If you think U.S. President-elect Donald Trump will make America a mess, don't fret. In four short years, by which time Vice-President-elect Mike Pence will have imploded, the ideal running mate will be revealed. Why Trump handlers earlier didn't tap this manager — sorry, assistant to the regional manager — is a mystery. Introducing the Dream Team: Donald Trump and The Office's Dwight Schrute.
Trump: "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
Schrute: "Last year, I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
On special skills:
Trump: "The beauty of me is that I'm very rich."
Schrute: "I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther."
On loyalty, observed or practised:
Trump: "Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again."
Schrute: "Look, I'm all about loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."
Trump: "My fingers are long and beautiful, it has been well documented, as are various other parts of my body.
Schrute: "I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself."
On compassion and ethics:
Trump: "I don't care how sick you are. I don't care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it's over. Doesn't matter. Hang out 'til Nov. 8. Get out and vote."
Schrute: "As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep (colleague) Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical."
On animal behaviour, practised or observed:
Trump: "I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there. And she was married."
Schrute: "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching."
Trump: When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best... They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists."
Schrute: "Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
Trump: "I don't want to have guns in classrooms, although in some cases teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly."
Schrute: "People say, 'Oh it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.' Well I say, it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose."
Trump: "My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault."
Schrute: "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
On being a realist:
Trump: "You know, it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass."
Schrute: "I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
Trump: "The only card (Hillary Clinton) has is the woman's card. She's got nothing else to offer."
Schrute: "Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."
On relating to women:
Trump: "I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."
Schrute: "I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle."
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