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All I want for Christmas is…

By G.D. Maxwell Dear Santa: Yo, ol’ jolly one.

By G.D. Maxwell

Dear Santa:

Yo, ol’ jolly one. Sorry to add to your burdens of the season but if there’s one unshakable faith I cling to stubbornly, it’s that you always have room in your sack and enough elf power to churn out a few last minute presents.

I’ll understand if you can’t manage it this time. I know you must be overworked up there trying to meet the demands of the new wave of greed sweeping North America, the whole China coming of age thing and the multinationals doing exploratory drilling in your reindeer grazing patch. But like I said, I have faith.

Better start with an apology first though. I’d have gotten around to this earlier but I guess I’ve been a little distracted. Lotsa work – a condition I’m definitely not used to – and I guess I still feel a little depressed about the election in my former home and native land. But I’m getting used to living in whatever it is that comes after the Age of Reason and I’m certain if I just apply myself, put my trust in God, suspend any faith in science and rationality, spend like there’s no tomorrow and intolerantly impose my point of view on the rest of the world, well, I’ll fit right in. Go along to get along, eh Nick?

So let’s get right to the point. My personal Christmas list is small. I’d also like more snow, please. Since everyone else I know would like the same, I don’t feel too greedy or over-reaching asking. I know the whole myth of global warming has probably impacted you too but look at it this way, more snow for us means easier delivery for you. It’s a win-win, to use an oft-tortured phrase.

If at all possible, I’d like that snow to be followed by, well, more snow… or sunshine, or howling winds, or a plague of locusts. Anything but rain, which seems to be the norm these days. Not that I put any credence in those scientific Cassandras harping on about global warming. As all true believers know, we should welcome, embrace even, the evidence of environmental destruction as just another sure sign of the coming apocalypse. As Georgie says, if you don’t like global warming, buy an air conditioner. Oh redemption, where is thy sting?

Now I know this is going to sound a bit like I’m confusing you with the Wizard of Oz, Santa, but I’d really like you to tuck a brain, some courage and a heart into your sack. It’s for our municipal council and mayor. Well, maybe not all of them, but certainly the ones who shamelessly sold out to Bombardier a week or so ago. That story’s so funny, I’ve just got to share it with you.

Bombardier – corporate Canada’s poster child for government handouts – wants to hold a product launch in good ’ol sustainable Whistler. It’s not for the their regional jets or subways or other public transit type products. It isn’t for their noisy polluting snowmobiles or ATVs which arguably have some usefulness if you happen to be an Eskimo or rancher. It’s for their Sea Doo-doos, a/k/a Personal Watercrap. These things, the bane of cottagers, sailors, paddlers and all other boaters and swimmers around the world, have absolutely no useful purpose. They are pure, unadulterated, lets-burn-gas-for-the-hell-of-it play toys.

But somehow, our more sustainable than thou council – okay, really just three of the four that managed to show up for the meeting – bent over, spread ’em and are willing to sell out any claim they have to scruples to Bombardier for an estimated economic benefit of $1.6 million, which we all know is as over-inflated as their estimates for how much consultant boondoggles will cost are under-inflated. At least hookers are honest about what they do for a living.

On second thought Santa, forget the courage and heart and just toss in a couple of backbones. Or better still, some worthy opponents next November so we can turf these dilettantes out.

Speaking of sustainability, could you please bring some for the ski industry? Not surprisingly, I don’t understand why everyone, at least every Canadian, doesn’t ski. On the other hand, sometimes I can hardly understand why anyone skis. Especially when I walk into a ski shop and see what concentration in the hard goods industry is doing. C’mon: $1,300 for a pair of skis with bindings? $800 for boots? If the resort operators, the hoteliers, the restaurateurs and the merchants have all heard the clarion call of value, how long do we have to wait until the manufacturers get on board? There’s no manufacturing or materials technology in these sticks to justify that price.

Given the dismal demographics of the ski business and the crapshoot mentality in Victoria, I’d like to ask for a big bag of wish fulfillment for the people, the town and the future resort of Revelstoke. Tippler Campbell’s never-too-much-of-a-good-thing government has signed on where no private money has gone before to ensure the development of massive Mount Mackenzie. Lord knows there have been half a dozen attempts to raise the money to develop that sweet mountain over the past 15 years. None of them have been successful because none of them have figured out how to do it and make a profit. Let’s just hope Mount Mackenzie doesn’t become Gordo’s fast ferry.

While we’re on the subject of provincial Liberals, skiing and economic boondoggles, do you think you could fashion a gift of insight for Mr. Campbell? While I’m four-square behind developing tourism in this most beautiful of provinces, I’m a bit worried that the smoke and mirrors are all aimed at winter tourism. With the proliferation of winter-focused backcountry tenures and boutique heli and cat ski operators, the whole summer tourism infrastructure – something that might benefit the other 90 per cent of the province – seems to have been forgotten.

Finally, Santa – and I know I sound like a broken record asking for the same thing year after year – could we get moving on the whole peace on earth thing? Sadly, we seem to be getting further and further away from it. Makes me wonder about the direction of evolution, if you know what I mean. I still think the best idea is to talk the Jews into a straight swap: Israel for Florida. Good climate, more water, loads of creative people at Disney and Universal who could reproduce the Holy Land so well it’d take a biblical scholar to know the difference. Best of all, the Arabs and Palestinians could just go back to fighting each other, the western powers could get the hell out of the Middle East and with a Jewish nation in Florida, we’d get rid of those pesky Cubans.

All the best,

Max