Maxed out 

I won’t be sticking up for my member

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As the deadline was approaching to submit my Grade 8 science project proposal, I was in a quandary. Truth be told, I was woefully disinterested in the whole science project idea. Loved science, loved learning about it, loved doing the labs, hated the idea of coming up with some dorky project that didn't involve blowing something up - nixed from the outset - or subjecting someone I didn't particularly like to an unpleasant electric shock.

In desperation, I turned to horticulture, chemistry and the application of artificial sunshine. I proposed to grow a set of identical plants differing only in the application of light, water and fertilizer and measuring the effects in a kind of polynomial mess. I thought it was a dorky idea but like I said, desperation was setting in and it sounded vaguely scientific. Besides, I was a dorky kid.

My science teacher, a Harley-riding physicist who moonlighted at the kind of government lab you had to deny working at and change the subject whenever anyone asked, looked at my proposal, made a farting noise with his mouth and said, "Why bother?"

Imagining he'd come around to my way of thinking about the whole science project idea, I replied, "My thoughts exactly. Does this mean I don't have to do a project?"

Apparently I'd misunderstood. "Of course you have to do a project, just not this one. It's stupid. We know what the result will be. The plants with less water, light and food will be smaller, weaker and punier."

"Yes," I said, "but I'll be able to prove that scientifically, won't I?"

He gave me a lecture about not doing things that would be meaningless and not doing something I already knew the results of. It meant more work, more thinking and more desperation but I had to admit it made sense.

Apparently, John Weston, Whistleratics' member of Parliament - my member, as I like to call him - never had a teacher quite like my science teacher.

John introduced, and proudly let us know about its passage, a private member's bill - and no, I absolutely refuse to call him my private member - designed to make it illegal for anyone to possess, produce, sell or import anything if the person doing so knows the anything in question will be used to produce or traffic in crystal meth or ecstasy. If you do that, you'll commit a felony and might be packed off to jail for 10 years.

Lose you? Let's begin at the end of this chain. It's been illegal for a long time to produce and/or traffic in methamphetamines and ex. I don't know why people do meth since it is the poster child for the Only Losers Do Drugs campaign, but then, I don't know why anyone would lump ecstasy with meth either. One is a BB gun, the other a pipebomb.

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