My New Year's resolutions (for you) 

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I didn't fare much better in my resolve to be kinder to and less judgmental of other people, notably my co-workers. It didn't help at all that I worked at a bank and was both surrounded by and far too frequently overruled by colleagues I considered dumber than sponges. There was a motto in the Credit Refusal department: Nobody moves; nobody gets hurt. The corollary was: No career was ever hurt by saying "No!" Since the answer I generally wanted out of them was "yes," we rarely saw eye-to-eye and my efforts to be kinder and less judgmental of them never outlasted the final crumbs of Christmas shortbread.

I had more success with resolutions involving diet. Not going on a diet, just diet in general. I was able, for example, to swear off chocolate for the month of January several times. Of course, I considered this more of a parlour trick than any real triumph of will or significant change of character. Having frequently known no form of gratification other than delayed, not to mention carrying nearly toxic levels of blood-chocolate into the opening days of the new year, giving up the brown, sweet stuff for a month probably had more to do with self-preservation than self-improvement.

And my efforts to save more money only got me sued by the carrier of my delinquent student loans.

So with no realistic hope of ever making good on any resolution involving the top four categories of most frequently resolved things — diet, exercise, money and being kinder to others — I simply resolved, some decades ago, to stop making resolutions. Ironically, it's the only resolution I've managed to keep. Go figure.

However, according to Section 3, Paragraph a.2 of the IBPP manual, I have to both write about and make (minimum three) New Year's resolutions. This would create a moral dilemma for me except for the fact the manual is mute on exactly for whom I must make resolutions. I therefore interpret its ambiguity in my favour and shall make resolutions for the rest of you to follow. Break them at your own peril... and don't come crying to me when you can't live up to them, you ninnies.

1. I resolve, on your behalf of course, to stop being diet scolded. I'm tired of hearing about your issues — pro or con — with gluten, starches, carbohydrates, glutamates, superfoods, antioxidants, paleo whatever, fibre, refined sugar, saturated fats, unsaturated fats, palm oil, coconut oil, raw food, the five, 10, or 20 foods never to eat unless you want to die a bloated cow. Just shut the f*#k up already. Eat what you want to, let me do the same, and keep your evangelizing where it belongs... wherever that is.


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