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Several gifts please, Santa, that fall under the umbrella of the Milk of Human Kindness.
First off, could you maybe go all Dickens on some of the executives at Walmart and the Gap and other big money retailers and show them what a bleak outlook the ghost of Christmas Future might have in store for them? Their only goal in life seems to be to bring the cheapest merchandise to their shoppers. Problem is, they don't seem to care about who gets hurt in the process.
I mean, they refused to go along with a plan that might have added one half of one per cent to the cost of their clothing lines in exchange for making the sweatshops in Bangladesh and Pakistan a little safer. I know, I know, they're only brown people in third-world countries and therefore expendable, but really, do we have to set them on fire just to be able to afford to look good for the Holidays? I'm pretty sure their families needed the $36 a month they made. 'Preciate it if you'd do your best on this one, old boy.
And perhaps you could toss an extra lump or two of coal into the sack for those Manitoba corporate farmers who think the best way to tenderize pork is to put the boots to 'em while they're still alive, albeit, living a pretty crappy life.
It'd be nice too if you could bring a little understanding to the social media vigilantes who want to go eye-for-an-eye on those sophomoric Aussie DJ's who pretended to be Liz and Chuck last week. Sure, it was a banal prank, not too elevated from the ones we used to pull when we were kids — You got Prince Albert in the can? — but who in the world could have imagined someone would die over it?
Perhaps more to the point, Santa, is there anything you've got kickin' around the North Pole that might bring a little enlightenment to the kinds of cultures who confuse the concept of honour with the need to kill one's self just because you got tricked by a phone call? Ironic how they're the same cultures who find honour in burning, disfiguring and tossing acid at their women to defend the family's honour. Is that perverse or is it just me?
And closer to home, because after all, charity begins at home, could you please, please make the whole banning plastic bags thing go away. Just when I thought it had officially become the non-issue it should be, it pops up again like a Whac-a-Mole.
This time, it was some high school students who collared the mayor in, perhaps a moment of weakness on her part. Instead of saying something like, "If you really want to do something good for the planet and our happy mountain home, which, by the way, depends on snow for its livelihood, you might start by taking the bus to school instead of having your parents drive you," or words to that effect.
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