Dear Christy:
Wow! You won. Sort of. Congratulations, I think. Have to admit, actually winning — something you'll have to wait for someone else to give up their "safe" riding before you can enjoy — the challenge to govern British Columbia does bring to mind the old joke about the dog that caught the car. "What now?"
Glad you asked.
OK, for starters, the election campaign is over. Again, sort of. I know it can be hard to change gears and lord knows actually getting your head into governing mode isn't easy but you've got the power, baby, so before you actually use it, the first thing you have to realize is all those election promises you made are no longer important. Nice words, pretty thoughts, fooled enough of the people to get you the job but let's be brutally honest, not even the courts of the land take them seriously. Why should you?
Having dismissed the promises for what they were worth, the next thing you have to realize is this: Nothing is more important than short-term gain. I think it was John Maynard Keynes who said, "In the long run... we're all dead." And truer words were never spoken. Keynes proved it himself by dying.
Why is that important? Because every single day you're going to have a choice to either do something that'll pay off like a broken slot machine or do something that might have some theoretical positive outcome in the distant future when (a) you're out of office, (b) everyone's forgotten who you were and, if it's not already obvious, (c) you're dead.
For example?
Well, for example, balancing the provincial budget. Running a balanced budget is for schumcks and fools. Hello, this is 2013; what kind of nincompoop worries about balancing budgets, except during elections when they promise to balance them. (See above on ignoring election promises.)
You know how hard it is to balance a budget? I mean, if it were easy you'd think the former government and your government would have found some opportunity to do it during the last 12 years, wouldn't you? Balancing the budget is not only hard, it pisses people off, and by people, I mean everyone, even the ones who say they care about a balanced budget. They don't really want you to balance the budget unless you can do it in such a way nothing they want you to spend money on is affected. And we all know that's impossible. So why spoil a good game? Nothing's happened so far that's really unfortunate or can't be blamed on some other level of government or "global economic turmoil," a handy catch phrase in case you haven't noticed, so why rock the boat?
Get out there and spend like it isn't your own money. It isn't, you know. It's ours and we'll be mad if you spend it like drunken sailors but we'll be mad if you spend it like a parsimonious miser. Since it's a lose-lose situation, it'd be more fun to spend it than not spend it. Capiche?
OK, on to more tangible things.
Pipelines. Two words — build 'em. Build 'em all and build 'em big. There's no future without oil and there's no oil like bitumen, the dirtier, er, more ethical, the better. Just look at the benefits. There'll be jobs, jobs, jobs.
There are only two kinds of people who don't want jobs: People who already have jobs and people who don't want jobs. People who already have jobs will be happy if you put people who don't have jobs to work. It'll make them feel like they're not carrying a bunch of slackers other than their adult kids living in their basement. They'll thank you.
People who want jobs and don't have jobs will thank you too because now they'll have jobs and they'll be able to afford bigger trucks to burn cheap Alberta oil. And people who don't want jobs will thank you because you can afford to be more generous with their lazy asses with all the new income you will be raking in from all those other people working new jobs.
Of course, the whiners who care about the environment — and, coincidentally, don't understand that we're-all-dead-in-the-long-run thing — will be really mad at you. Heavens, they might even protest. But don't worry, our Supreme Leader's got your back. Just whistle and he'll send in troops and build more jails to deal with the radical environmental terrorists.
And don't get sidetracked by the recent International Energy Agency report warning about low prices for Alberta oil due to over supply. We all know the only effective way to fight low prices due to over supply is to boost supply. That's why they call it supply and demand — the more supply, the more demand and everybody gets rich. Or something like that.
Frackin' eh, eh? Kick that Site C plan into high gear. The future is liquefied natural gas. Sounds like a refreshing summer drink, doesn't it? (Insert belching sound here.)
The Peace River dam at Site C is the answer to a frackers dream. A damn dam, paid for by taxpayers, that'll provide power and water to build a LNG industry to ensure we can become our own version of Alberta? Who can argue with that? I mean, it's in the middle of Fort St. Whocares and nine out of 10 environmental terrorists couldn't find it on a map.
Oh sure, there are pesky pollution questions and even peskier financial feasibility questions about where exactly we'd sell all the stuff and whether we'd actually make a profit on it and whether there's yet another world over supply of the stuff, but who can argue with a sure-fire dream that'll put the potential loss on the public and enrich a few corporations that'll give generously come fundraisin' time? Not me and surely not you... if you're smart.
IPPs? Who can argue with even more energy? Sure, we have to overpay for it, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Sure, we don't need it any time in the near future. Sure, it was transfer of wealth to certain corporate interests from the benevolent taxpayers. So where's the problem? Build 'em and we'll have enough power to vanquish darkness entirely.
If you follow my advice you can be assured of one thing. An early retirement with the generous pension benefits and cushy industry crony jobs former office holders have come to expect.
Of course, if you really want to do something good for the province and any future beyond your own life span, you might want to consider doing just the opposite.
As for me, I ended up voting for someone I'd rather not share a drink with and am drawing solace from the fact I'll likely die before you bozos completely screw things up to the point where what's left of this land will no longer support human life. For me, increasingly, the long run is the short run.
Enjoy. And don't forget, we'll be watching.
