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Travel Story

Acapulco wait

Aca-pulco; The slow sneeze

We got to the airport at 6:30 a.m. and waited.

We bought duty free and drank juice and coffee and scanned the gate for eye candy. Perused magazines and bean bag headrests.

We waited. We had made the effort to get to the airport two hours early after a very long evening only to wait, under fluorescent light sabres. We watched a security guard in a shiny helmet cruise the airport on a mountain bike. Vancouver.

Aca-pulco. We had been saying this in a slow sneeze for about four days now. Still, it didn't seem real. I was going down for a wedding, and a girlfriend came along to play.

The flight originated in Calgary. You could tell. It must have left quite early, because the crew and passengers were already sitting at the gate when we got there. The flight attendants sat in a group and listened to something about something that the captain was saying. A man walked up to one of the hostesses and asked her a question. She told him he would have to "hang on a minute." She wasn't polite. She snapped her head back to her huddle. I'd never seen anyone talk to an air hostess when they were not on a plane. It never occurred to me to speak to one when they were not on a plane. We boarded around 8:15 a.m. I got the window. My friend could have it on the way back. As we filed down the aisle, rude hostess was escorting a man off the plane. He looked a little stressed.

"He is getting off the plane," rude hostess said out loud.

I sat down, buckled up, hoped for a blanket soon and pushed my carry-on under the seat in front of me with my foot, and waited.

Passengers around us were talking about the man we had just passed. How he wouldn't come out of the bathroom. How he had said that he wanted off the plane. There was something unsettling about him. One man confided that he had felt unsafe. He had entertained getting off the plane. It was good that the weird man was gone.

I buried my face in my sweater against the window and settled in. "Good morning passengers and welcome to Sky Service flight 648 to Acapulco. As you may be aware, a suspicious person has been removed from the plane. In the interest of your security, we are going to have to ask you to disembark. We will be bringing a dog on board to check for bombs. The person has been taken in for questioning, and his baggage is presently being removed from the vessel. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Please exit the plane in an orderly fashion and leave your belongings on the plane. Again, we are sorry for this inconvenience, but it is for your security and protection that we take this precaution. Please stay close to the gate, as we would like to get the flight underway as soon as possible. Thank you. Mesdames et Messieurs."

There was an old couple with a son directly behind us. He made loud groaning noises even before we were asked to get off the plane. His mother said, "well, we better get a meal out of this."

Off the plane, we wandered, and split Udon noodles and a large chunk of almond chocolate.

An hour. We returned to the gate only to watch the arrival of the dog. A lovely little German Shepherd. A few people clapped. Once the dog was on board, the plane was moved from the gate; standard procedures for a bomb search. The gate was also required for another flight.

An hour passed. And then another. Around 11:30 a.m. we were informed that there was no bomb, on board, nor in the suspicious person's baggage. The plane was to be refuelled for the flight to Acapulco and brought to a new gate. Then we would continue/commence our sun quest. We would board in an hour. A few passengers beelined for the bar, others muttered, creaked and shook their heads.

12:30 p.m. An ill-fated employee approached the intercom. Passengers pulled their eyes off the floor, a few stood up in anticipation. He said: "Ladies and gentlemen. I am truly sorry to announce that procedures have taken longer than expected. Unfortunately, the crew, who has come from Calgary, will not be able to complete the flight as they will be working over the maximum hours permissible."

Shrieks, screeches and swearing. A Town Hall meeting erupting. What does all this mean?

"In light of this, we will be forced to return to Calgary to pick up a new crew. I am really, really sorry. We did not know that it would take this long. There is nothing I can do."

Pandemonium ensued. The cursing took off a hell of a lot faster than we were. A woman in her 40s to my left collapsed to the floor and snow-angeled. It wasn't a fit. The ill-fated employee, now a Frankenstein, was mobbed, set to be lynched and pretty much all you could hear was "#%@!*" "You are a liar!" "You knew this before!" "What a #%@!* joke!" A sexy, meaty cowtown girl shot off fantastic at the mouth. Security escorted a lively man away. A Hastings lady barked ugly and a few men should have been rapping. "Ladies and gentlemen. We do apologize. We did not know this was going to happen. Had everything been finished half an hour ago we would have been able to go. We will be boarding you in 40 minutes."

"I'm a salesman and you are pitching me only B.S. if you think you are going to board us in 40 min!"

"Bloody union workers. Get a real job."

And tears. Tears of desperation and confusion. Loss of blind trust in the travel industry, people, honesty and all that is good.

"Ladies and gentlemen, again, I sincerely apologize very, very much for the inconvenience. We will be handing out $15 meal vouchers."

"Fifteen #%@!* dollars? I don't think so!"

"Fifteen dollars! They think that $15 is going to make this OK? They have completely ruined my holiday. Shove over. I'm going to get my voucher."

"Ladies and gentlemen, please come and pick up your meal vouchers. This is all I can do at the moment. We may be able to explore additional compensation at a later date, but for now, please come and get your meal vouchers."

We got our vouchers and set off for more noodles and chocolate. We brought a Smirnoff Ice back to the gate and split it. Hastings lady had bought pure spirit and poured it into a Sprite bottle.

Back onto the plane. 2:30 p.m.

Aca-pulco. We had been saying this in a slow sneeze for about 4 1/2 days now. Still, it didn't seem real.

Back in our seats.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Again, thank you for your patience. We will just take a couple of minutes to defuel, as we had refueled to go to Acapulco, but now we have too much weight for the short haul flight back to Calgary. This should only take a couple of minutes, so please bear with us."

Beat.

"Oh, and for those of you seated on the right side of the vessel, you may be wondering about the fire trucks outside your window." Small nervous laughter.

"This is standard procedure and is nothing to be concerned about."

Beat.

Aca-pulco.

"Ladies and gentlemen. You are not going to like this. There has been a small amount of spillage during the defuel and we will be forced to have you disembark."

This was answered by dumbfounded nothing. A few moans, a sardonic laugh and perhaps a shriek or two. But generally this information was met with nothing.

"We apologize again for this, you will not proceed to the gate - please remain in the walkway. This will only take a few minutes and then we will

commence our flight to Calgary and then on to Acapulco."

The mother behind, with the husband and the son declares: "OK. That's it. We are getting off."

We disembark to the stagnant walkway. Three women are crying. Snow-angel lady is weeping in a mess on the floor. One man is taken away because by this time he is too loaded to fly. And then the mother.

The mother hits the ground. She is nauseous. She is dizzy. She needs assistance. She needs a wheelchair. She is having trouble breathing. I wipe down her neck with cold water and tell her to breathe. She thinks she is having a stroke. A man says "If you want to puke, just puke."

My friend and I have been filming the course of events. A stewardess shoots her face in front of the camera, a camera which nobody is appreciating, save these two giddy women killing time. "This is madness!" she bellows and races off.

We get back on the plane. We sit down.

"A few passengers have chosen not to continue with us today. We are just removing their baggage from the plane as quickly as possible. We should be underway in about five minutes."

Beat. 4 p.m.

"It's true. Flight attendants prepare for departure."

Approaching Calgary, the captain gives a rousing speech praising the professionalism and hard work of the crew and the passengers cheer. The flight attendant informs us that the flight from Calgary direct to Acapulco is actually shorted than Vancouver to Acapulco. Twit.

We arrived in Calgary, old crew off new crew on, quick refuel and then we took off. The plane seemed to sputter, but it flew.

Aca-pulco. We had been saying this in a slow sneeze for about 4 3/4 days now. Still, it didn't seem real.

We were given Udon noodles for lunch.