Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were too afraid to ask
Parent to daughter: Are you sexually active?
Daughter to parent: No. I just lie there still on my back.
There was a lot of laughter at a meeting this week to help parents talk to their kids about sexuality.
But there were also a lot of grown-ups squirming where they sat.
After all, the world is quite a different place today than it was a few generations ago.
Today unprotected sex can kill. Our youth are growing up in a time where AIDS and HIV education have increased fears and awareness of sexual activity.
There is also a general understanding that youth are not likely to get married in their teens or early 20s anymore. Its more likely marriage will occur when people are in their 30s.
Added to that is the fact that puberty is occurring in younger and younger kids.
"If you took your child to the doctor because you were concerned abut the early onset of puberty," said sexual health educator and nurse Rae McDonald, "they would have to be six-years-old before any investigation was done today."
Many parents in the audience were incredulous at McDonald’s statement.
That means that parents who teach abstinence are asking their kids to wait up to 20 years before they have sex, she said.
"Is that a realistic expectation," she asked more than 50 parents who turned out for the talk sponsored by Coast Garibaldi Health.
With that in mind McDonald offered the parents some concrete advice about how to talk to their kids about this very important but often difficult subject.
Top of the list was not to wait to talk about puberty because if girls start their menses early and they don’t know anything about it they will be terrified.
"They are going to think something terrible is wrong with them," said McDonald, adding that girls need to know it is perfectly normal and their bodies are doing exactly what they are meant to do.
Boys are no different. Once the sex hormones kick in they will experience erotic dreams and feelings they are not used to. If parents talk to their kids about sexuality it they will be better prepared.
Of course all of this hinges on the fact that parents have to realize that they should be the number one source of information for their kids.
School may be tackling the "facts" of life but home is where kids will learn about the values and issues around sexuality.
"Research has shown that kids ultimately do want to talk to their parents and would love to have the comfort of doing so," said McDonald.
"That is especially true for adolescents when it is confusing anyway and their emotions are all over the map and there are conflicting messages everywhere.
"We are naturally sexual beings. We are born to reproduce so when these hormones start kicking in kids need to know that is normal and we need to help them learn how to respond to them."
Parent of three Gina Dean found McDonald’s seminar useful.
"I thought it was awesome," she said.
"I know what to tell my children now. With three children you have to be thinking about this. This has given me the confidence to be able to teach them now."
There will be another seminar in Whistler in the coming months and McDonald is planning one for Pemberton as well.
Some parents are concerned that giving kids information about sexuality will make them more likely to experiment. But just the opposite is true, said McDonald.
"Information gives power to people to make healthy choices," she said.
Parents can start helping their kids learn about sexuality as soon as they are born. From then on it is a continuum of understanding. What a four-year-old can take in about how babies are born will be quite different from tackling the same issue when the child is eight-years-old.
One of the best ways to start talking about the subject is through books children and parents can read together. That can start at the pre-school age.
And, said McDonald, it is never too late to talk about the subject, although the older the child is the more challenging it will be for the parent. The important thing is to really listen to them. And if you feel uncomfortable or don’t know the answer to their questions tell them so and get back to them in a set period of time.
"If you never say anything to your kids about these sensitive subjects then you are actually saying more by saying it is not OK to talk about it," said McDonald.
"And where will your kids get their information from? In this day and age they will get their information from the Internet, through conflicting messages in the media and they could be going out and experimenting on their own if they are not satisfied with the answers they are getting at home."
