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Don’t say it

As a public service, I'd simply like to offer this suggestion to everyone I've heard recently comment on the abundance of heat visiting Tiny Town: Under no circumstances - NONE - should you let your heat-addled brain allow your parched mouth to utter
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As a public service, I'd simply like to offer this suggestion to everyone I've heard recently comment on the abundance of heat visiting Tiny Town: Under no circumstances - NONE - should you let your heat-addled brain allow your parched mouth to utter derogatory things about the quantum of heat crushing your spirit.

Saying something like, "Hot enough for ya?" No problem. "Sure does seem hotter than usual, eh?" Perfectly fine. "Wow, I thought that joke about frying an egg on the sidewalk was just malarkey!" Acceptable but you're bumping up against limits.

All of these examples have two things in common. One is a childlike awe in witnessing an event that, while perhaps foreshadowing a globally-weirded future, is nonetheless unusual 'round these parts. The second is a nonjudgmental quality. These are not complaints. They are not suggesting we are enjoying too much heat. They are not complaining about the too much heat we are enjoying. They are not likely to jinx us into that particular Canadian hell - a freezing summer.

Don't remember freezing summers? That may be a function of the operative effects of B.C. Bud. It was just last summer, July 11 th to be exact, when I had the disconcerting experience of driving into a snowstorm on the Clinton-Pavilion bypass not far from here. As unusual as that seemed, it wasn't at all out of place in last year's Summer Without Heat, which was largely unusual only because it was the second one in a row.

There is at least scientifically anecdotal evidence we were cursed with two cold, wet summers in a row because somebody, the year before, complained about it being too hot. Let's collectively try to not make that mistake again. You've been warned.

I'm not suggesting it isn't hot out there. Not even suggesting some of you may be finding it hotter than you prefer. But think of all the good this spell of heat is doing. Statistics Canada sent out an e-mail blast yesterday congratulating British Columbia in general, and Whistler specifically, for single-handedly kicking the GDP up a tick or two by purchasing all the surplus fans languishing on the shelves of Ontario and Quebec this summer since those two whiny provinces have been languishing in unseasonably cool, wet weather... B.C. weather as they refer to it. Couldn't happen to nicer places. Let's all raise an icy Piña Colada to them later this afternoon.

So, in the most popular metaphorical parlance being bandied about muni hall these days, think of the dire consequences of complaining about the heat as the stick. What's the carrot? All the things you can do around here to stay cool. In no particular order, here's a very subjective Top Ten.

10. Jump in a lake. It's cool, it's refreshing and it doesn't cost anything more than your dignity... at least if you ignore the duckitch. From sandy beaches to the clothing-optional float on Lost Lake, there's a cool body of water to suit almost anybody's wet dream. There are even a couple of holes up on the mountains where the water's not far removed from ice if you want to channel your inner polar bear.

9. Have a snowball fight. Let's see 'em try that in Onterrible. It'll cost you a ride up to the top of Whistler or Blackcomb or a long hike, but there's something particularly Canadian about being coldcocked with a snowball and having it melt down your hot, sweaty back.

8. Shoot the rapids. White water is thrilling whenever you let it spin-cycle you. But it's most refreshing when the mean temperature differential between the hot air and cold water is half your IQ. Which explains why only dumb people want to do it in January.

7. Eat your weight in ice cream. Recent pseudoscientific studies - okay, actually posts on fattyfattytwobyfour blog - have suggested ice cream isn't fattening in any months ending in "uly" or "ugust". I'm not entirely convinced. But at least their data and arguments make more sense than, say, creationism... and no one's insisting on teaching them to your children.

6. Go shopping. Well, not necessarily shopping. But there are a surprising number of businesses in town that have spent a lot of money installing air-conditioning for the couple of days a year it's necessary around here. Considered wacky before the discovery of global warming, these farsighted merchants are now thought of as prescient. A variant of shopping, for those of you uncomfortable with the smell of formaldehyde, is catching a movie, assuming the smell of ancient popcorn is less threatening.

5. Get some culture. Patio culture to be more specific. Whistler is known for its patios. Okay, to be honest, Whistler is known for its sustainably hydrocarbon-heated patios. But hey, the heaters are off, the blenders have been tuned up and supercharged and all the bartenders have taken crash courses in whipping up boat drinks this past week. And remember, frozen drinks will not get you drunk enough to fail a breathalyzer test, not that any of you would even think of doing something as malevolent as driving after you've been cultured.

4. Bear watching. Nothing like watching a 500 pound bear wearing a 200 pound fur coat gorging on 60 pounds of berries in 35°C heat to make a 180 pound man sweating in a 3 ounce Speedo feel cool. Do the math.

3. Eat something hot. Not oven hot, silly, capsicum hot. Whether it's chilies, curry or that deliciously cool-hot delight, salsa, eat something that makes the inside of your mouth feel like you've been doing molten lead shots. The rest of your body will goosebump with delight. As a bonus, you'll drink cold beer or frozen margs like they were water in a useless attempt to put out the fire.

2. Ice machine diving. You'll need a lookout for this one. Someone you trust not to lock you in. And an ice machine with enough space inside for, well, you. Neither I nor Pique's lawyers think I need to explain the details of this strategy any further.

1. The best way to beat the heat in Whistler this weekend? Pork, smoke, music, drink and a helluva good time await you at Dusty's as they host the Canadian National BBQ Championships for the 9 th year in a row. The little piggy who went to market will be on your plate Saturday evening. The fun competitions will be all day Saturday and the serious ones on Sunday. Guitar Doug will be there, Whole Lotta Led too.

And if you don't think it's incredibly cool to watch a bunch of steely-eyed BBQ freaks cooking their hearts out all weekend over hot coals, you are in serious need of therapy, dude.