E-mail, not TripAdvisor or wearing nametags, like everyone does in Whistler, is the great leveller of modern society. E-mail is as close to effortless communication as we're likely to get... until something even easier we haven't thought of yet comes along or more of us become telepathic. No pen, no paper, no stamps, no forgetting to drop it in a mailbox, no waiting. Instant communication, with the bonus of misspellings and crimes against grammar the sisters in parochial school woulda worked you over with their blackjacks for - kinda like that sentence.
Okay, communication may be gilding the lily given what I find in my inbox most mornings. But the combination of hanging opinion out on the public clothesline each week and having your e-mail address published along with it invites response. It also invites abuse, opprobrium, invitations to take part in sure-fire investments of dubious pedigree and unwanted communication from drunks who either want to have your baby or declare jihad on you.
For example.... (Misspellings corrected and all references to dickhead changed by me.)
Dear G.D.:
Sometimes I agree with what you say. Mostly I think you're an idiot. Recently you scored a hat trick by suggesting we do the Bunny Hop, tame bears and let them wrestle drunks and open a casino. The Bunny Hop is stupid, bears are wild animals and should be left free and casinos only bring social problems to communities dumb enough to allow them. You're kidding, aren't you?
Name Withheld
ps. Get a real name.
Dear Name:
I'm assuming your ps was ironic but if it wasn't, thanks for the laugh. I couldn't agree with you more. The Bunny Hop is stupid. But really, isn't that the whole point? Having spent billions of dollars hosting the Olympics, I think the ship's already sailed on stupid and setting a world record for bunnyhopping down Whistler mountain simply follows in its wake... at a fraction of the cost. Besides, it's hard to get people excited about things that aren't stupid anymore; Rob Ford proved that in Toronto this week.
If you don't like my plan to turn garbage bears into tourist attractions and would rather have them killed, what can I say. You're a real bearitarian. How about this idea. We can at least recoup some of the cost of dealing with them if we hold a lottery and give the winning hunter the right to shoot them himself. Hey, what trophy hunter wouldn't pay a couple of grand for the opportunity to mount a bear head on his wall? Especially if the shot was a sure thing and he could book into a swish hotel for the night instead of a leaky camper?
As for the casino, I think you're missing the picture here. I'm not in favour of casinos. Never spent a dime in one personally. But I'm a big fan of reality and I'll bet you a hundred bucks there'll be one in Whistler within the next decade. If something's inevitable, why not manage the process and get a piece of the action?
The Bahamas sidestep the social ills you're worried about by banning Bahamian residents from gambling in their casinos. You want to bet the rent money in one of their casinos, you have to have foreign ID. At least you send the social ills back home with the losers you've just fleeced. How cool is that?
Stupidly yours,
Max
Hey Dipstick:
You make me so mad I could scream. WHISTLER NEEDS A ROB FORD!!! Our mayor and council is out of control. They're bankrupting this town with their stupid spending and taxing us all into the poorhouse. We need someone who has the balls to fire half the unhelpful municipal staff and get property taxes under control. You used to be a lot harder on the mayor and council. What happened? They paying you off too?
Guess I'm an idiot too
Dear Guess:
Yes. Didn't you get yours? I thought we all got paid off.
To paraphrase our municipal administrator's favourite answer to well, any question, "It's not that simple." For example, let's say you got elected mayor. Yours would only be one vote out of seven. Unless you brought three other idiots along with you, you'd never get anything done.
But let's say, for the sake of argument, you did. Or you got elected dictator, since that seems more suited to your temperament. If you went in, axe swinging and, "... fired half the unhelpful municipal staff," the first problem you'd face is what to do with the other half of the unhelpful staff. I'm assuming you'd be keeping the helpful staff and since they're by far the majority, I'm not really sure how many people you'd actually be firing but then, I'm not sure you know either. So really, how much would you save?
But, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, "Idiot is as idiot does." So now you're left with all the good staff and half the unhelpful staff: now what? This is the problem with idiots. It's also the problem with beer cans. Any idiot can crush a beer can; it takes an industrious, concerted, artistic effort to make it round again. Unfortunately, idiots think crushing beer cans is an accomplishment. They also think running a town is simple. They're wrong on both counts.
But hey, if you feel that STRONGLY about the issue, you should run for elected office. What's one idiot more or less?
Max
Hey Max:
The new drunk driving laws suck. Got any cool ideas to get around them?
Molson Canadian
Dear Molson:
604.938.3333 Put it on speed-dial. If the prospects of getting busted don't deter you, death might.
The B.C. Civil Liberties Association just released a report showing this province has more in-custody deaths than any other province in Canada. I'd rather take my chances with an unruly taxi driver than the RCMP any day.
Max
Dear Mr. Maxwell:
My girlfriend and I arrived in Whistler October 1 from Mississauga. We have jobs at the mountain this year and are living in House. We're pretty stoked. What we were wondering is, when can we start calling ourselves locals?
Alex the Liftie
Dear Mr. Liftie:
You have to do two things before you can call yourself a local. First, don't ever call me Mr. Maxwell again. Other than that, I think if you attend this Saturday's B-Grade Horrorfest, assuming there are any tickets left, you can safely call yourself a local. If you and your girlfriend can't get tickets, you can probably get away with calling yourselves locals anyway; lots of weekenders do it and other than bad ponytails and an overwrought sense of entitlement, none of them seem to have suffered any ill effects.
Max
