By Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to the theory known as
Ducharme's Precept, "Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
moment." I bet you'll soon be living proof of that, Aries. An offer or
invitation will come your way in a maddeningly inconvenient way. You'll be
tempted to invoke excuses about why you cannot possibly take advantage of it
right now. But I hope that instead you leap at the chance with a full and even
greedy heart. As annoying as the circumstances might seem, they're exactly what
you need in order to bring out the best in you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): As I meditated on your horoscope, I
was driving a rented Ford Taurus 90 mph south on California's I-5. "Give
me omens about what Tauruses need to hear," I asked the Fates. Moments
later, a red Infiniti car whizzed by me on the right. The aroma of pig manure
from a nearby farm pervaded the air. On the CD player, devotional musician
Krishna Das launched a hair-raising hymn to the Goddess. Orange brush strokes
appeared in the dusky sky over scissor-shaped mountain peaks, making me feel as
if nature had painted a gorgeous canvas for my personal enjoyment. Here's how I
interpret this lush symbolic offering: As you're gliding along, a message from
eternity will speed by you from an unexpected direction. Fertility will be
abundant in your life even though it may be pungent. You'll have rousing
contact with a boisterous, masculine form of spirituality. Nature will offer
you a gift--a beautiful secret just for you.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Of all the objects in the world that
are made of 22-karat gold, a bathtub in Japan is the biggest. Weighing in at
over 300 pounds, it's in the Funabara Hotel a hundred miles south of Tokyo. I
suggest you regard it as your personal symbol of power in the coming week,
Gemini. It will remind you to stay true to your task, which is to cleanse
yourself extravagantly as you purge your heart of all motivations that aren't
pure gold.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Those of us born under the sign of
Cancer the Crab are sometimes pathologically self-sufficient. We can dole out
love in abundance but be conflicted about asking for and accepting the love we
need. Keep that warning in mind as you meditate on the following advice: It's
high time to love yourself more and better—to experiment with new
strategies for taking care of yourself, nurturing your creativity, and
providing yourself with pleasure. Just don't let this honorable work blind you
to the gifts that other people want to bless you with.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Every year 1.5 million Turkish students
take a day-long college entrance exam. It's a grueling maze of complicated yet
often inane questions—an absurd attempt to quantify intelligence with a
one-size-fits-all standard of measurement. Three quarters of all students fail,
and thus face the prospect of unemployment in a country where only higher
education guarantees a decent job. This year a lone rebel rose up in defiance
against the oppressive tradition. Sefa Boyar announced he'd strive to give the
wrong answer to every question on the multiple-choice test. Naturally, he had
to study hard to make sure he wouldn't accidentally get a few right answers. Be
inspired by Boyar, Leo. Resist or subvert the soul-shrinking hocus-pocus of a
bunch of humans acting like machines. Unlike Boyar, do it in a way that
enhances your chance to achieve success on your own terms.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There was one main reason why
America's founding fathers gave Thomas Jefferson, not Benjamin Franklin, the
job of composing the Declaration of Independence in 1776. They were afraid that
Franklin, a compulsive teaser and trickster, would slip jokes into the
document. In my opinion, we Americans would have been better served if Franklin
had been chosen and allowed to mess around. After all, even the most profound
commitments and weighty situations benefit from the leavening power of humor.
Keep that in mind during the oh-so-serious games that are ahead for you, Virgo.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "The time has come to declare
the war on terror over," wrote James Fallows in September's
The
Atlantic
. "Al-Qaeda's mistakes, and
our successes, have sharply reduced the terrorist network's ability to harm the
United States. Its threat now rests less on what it can do itself than on what
it can trick, tempt, or goad us into doing. Its destiny is no longer in its own
hands." In a similar way, Libra, one of your personal enemies has mostly
lost the power to hurt you. Its remaining threat resides in what it can trick,
tempt, or goad you into doing. To say safe and sane, all you have to do is
refuse to get sucked in by your weakened enemy's ruses.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In his book
Making Sex: Body and
Gender from the Greeks to Freud
, historian
Thomas Lacquer suggests that the clitoris may have been unknown to male
anatomists until 1559. In that year, Renaldus Columbus, a professor at the
University of Padua in Italy, announced his discovery of the "seat of
woman's delight," and declared his right to name it the "sweetness of
Venus." I predict that you will soon ferret out and begin to share in a
treasure that, while not quite as momentous as Columbus', will nonetheless fill
you with glee--even if its value has always been known to its original finders.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): According to visionary
astrologer Elias Lonsdale, the age-old war between good and evil is over. His
shocking conclusion: Evil lost. It will take a while for its malignant
dominance to ebb away, and the transition time may bring apparent setbacks, but
already the momentum has shifted. The forces of good are in ascendancy, and
will steadily build a new order in the coming decades. Is Lonsdale's
perspective true? I personally don't have the wisdom to be able to confirm or
deny it. But I do know this: The age-old war between good and evil
within
you
is over, and evil lost. From now on,
the forces of beauty, truth, love, and justice will grow in power.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When playing the card game known
as bridge, you're fortunate if you're dealt no cards of any particular suit. It
allows you to use the trump suit to win tricks. There's an analogous situation
in your life right now, Capricorn. A
lack
of a certain resource can work to your advantage. It will allow you to be a
free agent, an X-factor, a wild card. You'll be able to capitalize on loopholes
that aren't normally available to you. Luck will come to you through what
you're missing.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Last May, workers cleaning up
garbage on Britain's highest mountain made a startling find. There at the top
of Mt. Ben Nevis was a piano. How did it get there? Three years earlier, hikers
in Indiana's Yellowwood State Forest stumbled upon an equally inexplicable
anomaly: a massive boulder lodged in the topmost branches of an 80-foot-tall
chestnut tree. These are your metaphors of the week, Aquarius. I bet that you
too will find seemingly out-of-place things in high places. Don't dismiss them
with a flick of your rational mind. Give them a chance to change your thinking
about the nature of reality.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Millard Fillmore was President of
the United States from 1850 to 1853. He was the last holder of that office who
was neither a Democrat nor Republican. Let's make him a symbol of freedom from
the rigged con game that is America's two-party political system, as well as an
inspiring image for those of you who aspire to rise above
every
either-or dichotomy. Fillmore will be your mascot as
you declare your independence from the dualistic ways of thinking that threaten
to ensnare you. He'll be an emblem that rouses you to transcend the simplistic
arguments spewed by fanatical devotees of the Us Versus Them racket. Escape the
vise, Pisces.
In addition to this column, Rob Brezsny creates EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES, in-depth weekly forecasts designed to inspire and uplift you. To buy access, phone 1-888-499-4425. And be sure to visit his Web site at www.freewillastrology.com.