Hail, hail Tuponia,
The true north strong and free.
A nation full of whiners,
From sea to sea to sea.
I'm not certain how it would translate into French and I'm having a devil of a time finding something to rhyme with "notwithstanding" in the second verse, but there's a perennial move afoot to rewrite Canada's national anthem and let's face it, almost anything would be an improvement over the one-two punch we have now — bad tune, worse lyrics. Well almost anything, we could end up with something as un-singable as The Star Spangled Banner.
I didn't realize how bad O Canada was until I moved to Toronto. For several years, living in Montreal, I'd only heard the song in Frenglish, that ne plus ultra Canadian mix of both official languages, sung by a sea of refugees in the cheap seat section of the Big Owe during the halcyon years when the Expos were contendahs.
In French, the lyrics sound pretty good. Actually, in French even the most banal conversation sounds pretty good to me. That's because then, as now, my knowledge of French is limited, limited being a polite Canadianism meaning non-existent. Within the echoing confines of the Big Owe, they only sang a few snippets of English lyrics: True north strong and free; stand on guard for thee. The rest was voulez vous this and voulez vous that. Little did I know at the time those were just about the only English lyrics.
I also didn't know Canada — the name not the country — won out over Tuponia... and, no, I'm not making that up. Canada, of course, means Big Village in the language of one or another subjugated First Nations tongue. I don't have a clue what Tuponia means or where it came from, but I half suspect S.J. Perelman penned it, that's why I lifted the first line from the national anthem of Freedonia, the fictional country of which Groucho Marx becomes leader in the film, Duck Soup, also written by S. J. Perelman. Besides, Tuponia has that very tongue-friendly 'nya' sound. Canada would too if we just changed it to Cañada and made tequila the national drink and mañana the day things got done. Oh well, one out of three ain't bad, especially if you're a baseball batter.
As heartening as it would be to dump O Canada in favour of something more reflective of the country that's grown up around the idea of confederation, it seems like one of those things that probably won't happen. Actually, it seems like one of those things — like almost everything else — we'd never be able to agree on. The Maritime provinces would most likely demand a passing reference to what a raw deal they got when they joined Canada. Quebec would want to include something about their unique status and that'd be as tough to rhyme as oranges. Ontario would twist themselves into a fit of pique wondering why the rest of the country couldn't be satisfied just letting them write the song, being as they are the centre of the universe. The Prairies would go along with just about anything... but they always sing flat. Alberta's already writing on their own anthem, working title Tarsands Forever. B.C.'ll go along with whatever as long as Christy Clark's conditions are met. And Nunavut and Therestofit will lobby hard to keep the "true north" references in and make fun of us southerners while they dance in the midnight sun. You see what we'd be up against here.
Actually, wouldn't it just be easier to proclaim the shortest Canadian's most famous song our new anthem? Paul Anka's My Way, fav of the karaoke set, would be both fitting, nationalistic, and rife with Canadian humour, not to mention the irony of having drunken, off-key Sinatra wannabes belting out Canada's national anthem in smoky bars all over the world.
But here I am, off on a tangent when the whole point of this column was supposed to be to welcome all our guests to Canada Day! For those of you from Canada, you already understand what I'm talking about and while you'd never show off about either, the fact you know what I'm talking about so just put down the Pique and order another beer.
To our American visitors, Canada Day is our Independence Day... except we never felt it necessary to proclaim our independence from Great Britain. There are several excellent reasons why we still have a picture of Queen Elizabeth of England on our money. First, contrary to popular rumour, she is still alive... maybe. It's difficult to be certain since, several years ago, Tony Blair — then prime minister of England and secret brokeback lover of George Bush — contracted the animatronics division of Disney to build a replica of Queen Elizabeth. When the old girl dies, if she hasn't already, the plan is to just slip the animatronic version into her throne, thereby keeping Prince Chucklehead from becoming king and all the rest of the Commonwealth countries from abandoning the monarchy en masse.
Oops, here I am off on another tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Canada Day is our Independence Day. We celebrate it on July first because the Fourth of July is celebrated on July fourth. We call it Canada day for the same reason you generally call it Independence Day... because calling it the First of July would be as dorky sounding as the Fourth of July. No offence.
In truth, July first was chosen for Canada Day because it not only gives Canadians one of the few chances — Thanksgiving being the other one if you're curious — to say to Americans, "Beatcha to it," it provides an opportunity to get our blood-alcohol level back down to normal, for us, before we join you in celebrating the Fourth of July. We celebrate your Independence Day for several reasons. Canadians love a good party. Canadians aren't always certain what's American and what's Canadian. And we like to think if we join you in celebrating your special day you won't invade us... again... like you did during the American Revolution and again in the War of 1812. In both cases, we're pretty sure it was just a case of faulty compass reading, but being both prudent and without any real standing army we'd rather not test that hypothesis.
For all the rest of you visiting Whistler, put down the Pique before you become more confused and go buy something for heaven's sake. Enjoy the parade, enjoy the fireworks and free concerts, have some cake and be sure to tell all your friends back home what a grand time you had celebrating Canada Day in Whistler. And if you think of something that rhymes with notwithstanding, email me.
