Cybernaut - Love Hurts 

I have been diagnosed with nauseous valentinosis – an acute intestinal disorder that flares up whenever I come into contact with little pink hearts, bouquets of red roses, boxes of chocolate, cupid dolls, teddy bears and February 14 th .

I contracted this disease in Grade 3, when I was forced to hang a box off the side of my desk like the rest of my classmates and sit there while the girls circulated the room dropping cards. Let’s just say I got more Valentines than Charlie Brown and Ralph Wiggum, but less than I felt I deserved. The downward spiral began.

Now I can’t even look at a pink and red cardboard heart with lace frills without reaching for the Gravol. A trip into a card store is like a bout of vertigo, compounded with a dose of claustrophobia.

Although Doctor’s say my condition is primarily pyschosomatic in nature, I am undergoing radical therapy – like an inoculation for the measles, building up a tolerance to Valentines can only be achieved by exposing myself to a faceful of it and hoping my system can cope.

Someone landed this coveted name ahead of the crowd, and they’re milking it for all it’s worth. Although there are links to all the products you could buy your Valentine – like flowers, chocolates and diamond pendants – it’s the features that will turn your stomach. Saying "I love you" in 25 languages. Surprise gift ideas. Surprise romantic getaways so cheesy they’d better work. Most of this stuff seems blatantly obvious, but judging by the soaring divorce rate and all the lonely singles out there, there are a lot of romantically-challenged people who could use a few tried and true ideas and a kick in the pants.

Until schools forever ban the Valentines box from the classroom (call the Ministry of Education at 250-356-2500) there will always be a Charlie Brown, and a few years down the road, a Marilyn Manson. In the meantime, it might be a good idea to make sure that your son or daughter does the honourable thing and gives a Valentine to everyone, regardless of their personal hygiene or social standing. This site is a goldmine of printable cards, e-mail cards, games, software, music, arts and crafts and recipes.

The origins of St. Valentine’s Day are not known for certain, but it has roots in pagan rituals, Christian faith, and the public clubbing, stoning and beheading of a bishop in the third century.

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