By Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to the
Midwest Book
Review
, David Foster Wallace's 1,088-page
book
Infinite Jest
is
"perhaps the most innovative novel in the English language since James
Joyce's
Ulysses
." The
Review
of Contemporary Fiction
calls
Infinite
Jest
a vast comic epic, adding that it's
"so brilliant you need sunglasses to read it." On the other hand,
critic Dan Schneider (Cosmoetica.com) believes
Infinite Jest
"might be the worst novel ever written." I
expect that there will be a similar diversity of opinion about you and your
efforts in the coming week, Aries. My advice? Ignore everyone's assessment but
your own and that of the person who knows you best.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Roy Rivenburg writes in the
L.A.
Times
that there has recently been a rash
of mannequin assaults. He cites four people who have been struck by falling
dummies while shopping in clothes stores. For example, one victim was hit in
the head by a mannequin's arm when a clerk tried to remove its shirt. I mention
this for two reasons, Taurus. First, the planets are aligned in such a way as
to suggest that you could, if you're not careful, get in a tangle with a doll,
statue, puppet, robot, or scarecrow in the coming week. Second, you should
minimize your interactions with anyone whose expression never changes, whose
behavior seems mechanical, or whose actions seem controlled by someone else.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Growing up in Montreal, musician Rufus
Wainwright was steeped in the mystique of that city's legendary songwriter
Leonard Cohen. As a young adult, Wainwright finally got to meet Cohen. The
great man's daughter brought him to her family's home. To Wainwright's
surprise, Cohen was in his underwear in the kitchen cooking up tiny sausages,
which he was chewing, regurgitating, and feeding to a weak baby bird he had
found and was trying to revive. I predict that you'll soon have a comparable
experience, Gemini: A revered source of magic and myth will confound your fantasies
in a poignant and delightful way. You may even cry with amazement and laugh
with mournful bliss. (Thanks to the film
I'm Your Man
for Wainwright's story.)
CANCER (June 21-July 22): "It's my job to be
emotional," rock music goddess Bjork told
Nylon
magazine. "Doctors cure diseases and shoemakers
make shoes. It's my job to go through emotions and describe them to other
people." By my astrological reckoning, this is also an apt description of
the role you should play in the coming weeks, my fellow Cancerian. It's a
perfect time for you to commune with every feeling on your vast palette, as
well as to add some new colors and textures you've never imagined before. One
more piece of advice: As you express the richness of your inner world to
interested parties, be artistic and entertaining, never self-indulgent or
sloppy.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Here's some advice I bet you won't get
from any other astrologer, therapist, or counselor: Get
ungrounded
for a while. You heard me, Leo. Detach from your
moorings. Sail up into the stratosphere and exult in having your head in the
clouds. Be dreamy and floaty and airy-fairy (except when driving or operating
heavy machinery, of course). For best results, you might also want to throw off
your chains.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Astute salesmen from the British
store Fortnum & Mason took full advantage of the Crimean War back in the
1850s. They sold picnic lunches to officers who were leading the battles at the
siege of Sebastapol on the Black Sea coast. In the coming weeks, Virgo, you too
can capitalize on a conflict you're not directly involved in. For best results,
make sure you don't get caught in the crossfire. Cultivate neutrality, doing
absolutely nothing to feed the flames of hostility. Ply your skills and offer
your services with impeccable timing, slipping in and out with understated
efficiency during lulls in the uproar.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're renowned for your balancing
acts, Libra. Seeing both sides of every story is your specialty. Striving to
make opposites attract is an inclination you were born to cultivate. You may
not always be in the mood to fight for harmony, and you may not always succeed
at maintaining equilibrium, but you work harder at these fine arts than any
other sign of the zodiac. Having said all that, though, I will now advise you
to rebel against your usual shtick. It's time for you to try out a new
unbalancing
act—to go to extremes without worrying about
covering your ass. The cosmos is giving you permission to be unapologetically
vivacious and mischievously blunt as you say, "It's my way or the
highway." (P.S. You might want to study the style of your Aries
acquaintances.)
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Medical researchers have discovered
an innovative technique for fighting brain cancer: radioactive scorpion venom.
Injected into tumors, it attacks the malignancy with remarkable efficiency. I
mention this, Scorpio, because it's a good metaphor for an opportunity that's
now presenting itself to you. If invoked and applied in small doses, a normally
toxic part of your Scorpio nature can catalyze a breakthrough that will lead to
a deep healing.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This would be a perfect moment
to fly to Afghanistan and volunteer to play with refugee children whose mothers
are suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. It would also be an
excellent time to bring vitality and wisdom to a dispute among your family
members that's challenging for you to deal with. In fact, pretty much anything
you do to help people who are difficult to help would, in ways impossible to
foresee, energize your own ambitions. Being a humble, selfless saint for a
while would turn out to be a tremendous spur to your personal goals.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My Hollywood spies tell me that
one of the new products placed in the gift bags for the celebrities at the Emmy
Awards show was Oxyfresh's Pet Oral Hygiene Solution, a breath-freshening spray
for dogs, cats, monkeys, and other beloved animals. It would be a good week,
astrologically speaking, for you to obtain this product for the creatures in
your life. More than that, though, it will also be a favorable time for you to
scout out promotional opportunities for your own unique product or talent. How
can you get your specialty into the hands of ripe prospects who don't know
about it yet?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): King Ludwig II of Bavaria
(1845-1886) was deposed after being designated as insane by a team of
psychiatrists. Among the evidence they cited as proof that Ludwig was crazy
were his blueprints for a flying vehicle that would resemble a peacock. In
recent months, however, a German engineer named Dalibor Karacic has examined
Mad King Ludwig's plans and declared that they are feasible. The steam-powered
peacock would have indeed been capable of flight. Ludwig, says Karacic, was
ahead of his time. Take heart from this correction, Aquarius. If you
relentlessly nurture your faith in your frontier ideas—notions that
others might call fairy tales--you will ultimately be vindicated.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your addiction is obstructing you from your destiny, and yet it's also your ally. How can both be true? On the downside, your addiction diverts your energy from a deeper desire that it superficially resembles. For instance, if you're an alcoholic, your urge to get loaded is probably an inferior substitute for and a poor imitation of your buried longing to commune with spiritual mysteries. On the upside, your addiction is also your ally, because it dares you to get strong and smart enough to wrestle free of its grip on you; it pushes you to summon the fierce willpower necessary to defeat the darkness within you that would obstruct you from your destiny. (P.S. Don't tell me you have no addictions. Each of us is addicted to some sensation, feeling, thought, or action, if not to an actual substance.)
In addition to this column, Rob Brezsny creates EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. To buy access, go to http://realastrology.com.