Get Stuffed 

Food Freaks

The things people eat on dares, bets and in their quest for immortality

Warning: The following article is gross – do not read if you have a weak stomach or are suggestible and would do anything for a buck. And, it goes without saying, please don’t try any of this at home.

It’s eleven twenty-something at night and I’m watching Canada’s own Tom Green stick his fingers down sidekick Glenn Humplik’s throat. Humplik has boasted that he never throws up, and Green set out to prove him wrong.

Humplik held onto his cookies for the most past, but gagged a little fluid all over Green’s hand. Green then proceeded to stick the same two fingers down his own throat, grossing out the entire studio audience and anyone who had the misfortune to tune in.

I was both nauseated and impressed by the scene, preconditioned to worship such behaviour by a lifetime of playing "the food game" with my friends.

It started I think at birthday parties, after games of baseball, tag, hide ‘n seek, and pin the tail on the donkey. We took the spirit of competition to the picnic table, daring one another to eat napkins, corn relish and uncooked hotdogs swimming in hot mustard. When desert came, we would race to see who could finish their cake first with your arms behind your back, or dare someone to squirt the entire bottle of chocolate sauce into their gullets.

Somebody always threw up and their parents were called to pick them up. Unless the parents knew better, this was usually attributed to "too much cake and excitement."

By the time we hit high school, our money was on the table. I ate a cheese sub with about two inches of hot banana peppers. A friend of mine threw up in the attempt, but for double or nothing chugged an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce later that night. Every weekend it seems somebody upped the stakes.

If they had a special at McDonald’s, we were there with a stopwatch. One time the entire restaurant, including the staff, gathered around to watch my friend (the same one who drank the Tabasco sauce) finish off four "Special Italians" in four minutes. When he started to gag two bites into his third special, people knocked over tables and chairs as they ran for the exits.

Later at university, with an all-you-can-eat buffet at our disposal, the games began in earnest. I won’t go into details, but I always get the heeby-jeebies when someone says "Coney Island Night". One guy I know swallowed a large Japanese fighting fish.

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