Ling-isms for the Lingual 

Smelling Stuff:

"My wife is forever reaching around from behind me and thrusting some sandwich meat under my nose and saying ‘Does this smell bad to you?’ Why is she asking me? I'm the guy who pulls the covers over our heads and says ‘See? It's not that bad!’"

Male Pattern Stupidity:

"Male pattern stupidity strikes all men at one time or another. The symptoms are easy to see – usually they come in the form of huge, completely impractical, and totally unexpected purchases, like a sports car, or a neighbourhood pub, or, say, Guam."

Cuddling:

"Most guys get... well, bored after a few minutes of cuddling. They start casting about for something to do with their free hand. Which is why one of the top 10 late night marital questions is, ‘Oh, for God's sake, can't you just hold me?’"

Decorating Together:

"As far as I'm concerned, it's a minor miracle one of us wasn't found floating face down in a paint tray with a wet handprint on the back of the head. Murder by Latex. Not a jury in the world would vote to convict. At least, no jury that ever tried decorating with a spouse."

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