By G.D. Maxwell
Okay seekers, the most important thing to remember is this: You came to Whistler on your Spring Break to have Fun!
Sure, you may have thought you came to ski or board, but youre confusing tactics with strategy. Its fun youre after and its fun you shall have as long as you dont get too hung up on what weve come to call challenging ski conditions, challenging being a PR stand-in word for grotesque beyond description, historically without parallel and cue-up-the-four-horsemen Armageddonlike.
The first thing you may have noticed is our new decorating theme Earth Tones. Nice, in that organic, crunchie granola kind of way, dont you think?
The second thing you may have noticed is diehard skiers moping around humming Commander Codys classic, Stems and Seeds Again Blues . Pay them no heed; theyre overly focused on their own One True Path. Kind of like a Lab waiting to see if you drop your hamburger, pathetic.
But you came all the way from Onterrible or the far-flung corners of B.C. for Spring Break Fun. Lets get started. If youre a family, thisll be a grand opportunity for some Quality Family Time. Granted, it might extend to several more hours each day than youd planned, but think of all the fun things you can do together. Better think fast; youve got lots of fun hours to fill.
And if youre young, single and, momentarily, still sober, you didnt really come to ski at all. You came to score. Without wasting your time mindlessly pursuing powder lines, think of how much greater your chances of success not to mention your bar bill will be!
But if youre a diehard yourself, if your concept of a ski vacation is so narrow it doesnt include driving up to Pemberton to play a round of golf or going fishing in one of our ice-free lakes, if you cant embrace renting a bike and riding some single-track instead of renting skis and snorkeling pow whatever that is fear not. I feel your pain. Your concerns are my concerns. This probably isnt a good time to mention Im leaving town today to ski powder in Taos, is it? Heh, heh, heh .
For you, the few who just cant let go of the dream, Ive got the answer. No, its not swapping in your tickets and hotel and squandering your money on a quickie heliskiing trip, tempting though that may be. Its the Skiers and Boarders Twelve-Step Program.
The first step is simple. You have to admit you are powerless over the intoxicating allure of skiing and boarding. That should be simple. Youre here! If your jones for skiing didnt have complete control over your pathetic lives, youd be down on some beach in Florida or Mexico poisoning yourselves on tequila and unfiltered ultraviolet rays. But youre not. Youre here, fat skis and powder boards in tow, staring up at the mountains like a junkie searching an empty street corner for a dealer. Admit it; youre hooked.
That was the easy step. It gets harder from here on out. Step Two: Youve got to believe a Power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Sanity, eh? I dont want to quibble with something as successful as the 12-Step method, but if I were insane, wouldnt that call into question any belief I might manage to conjure about a greater Power? Am I being too analytical about this?
Okay, greater Power. Just accept it. The only greater Powers I know around this town all work for Ski School. Many of them have god complexes and come to think of it, many of them believe they can teach anybody to ski/board any conditions. Im pretty sure linking up with a twink isnt going to cure you of your addiction. But what can it hurt? You might even get good enough to ski whatever it is thats on the hills right now.
Step Three: Turn our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. Whistler, in case you dont know, is a town where, until just a few years ago, there werent any churches. Hard to believe, isnt it? Even now, many religious services are held in mixed-use buildings where, for example, you might catch the Short-Skirt Revue on Saturday night and pray for salvation Sunday morning.
Fact is, the only constant God, as we understand him, who has stood the test of time in this town is Ullr, Norse god of snow. Sacrifices are made late each fall to Ullr. But like all gods, Ullr has a sense of humour and this year, he must be laughing his ass off over what hes done to us. But whatever, Ullr it is.
Step Four: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. As if! Im afraid that would require both a considerable attention span, a moral compass and a suspension of inflated self-esteem, all of which would be flying in the face of the Organizing Pedagogical Truths around which public education has been built for the past couple of generations. Dream on.
Step Five: Admit to Ullr, ourselves and another person the exact nature of our wrongs. Simple. I came expecting to ski powder. There aint any. Ill settle for groomers. Not many of those either. Not something I can be blamed for.
Six: Be entirely ready for Ullr to remove all those defects of character. Okay, lets cut a deal here. Itll be a whole lot easier for Ullr to just MAKE IT SNOW!!!!! than it will be for him to cure all my character defects. If that sounds like a good deal to you, Ullr, you dont need to say anything just get on with it, dude.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Ullr to remove our shortcomings. Hmmm isnt that what the Ski School guys for? See step six, Ullr. You do your job; Ill do mine.
Eight: Make a list of all persons weve harmed and become willing to make amends with them. Cmon. This is only a one-week vacation. How about if I just say "Sorry" to the loser I ran into on the hill?
Nine: Make direct amends to those people. Obviously I cant do that until the list is complete. I think were splitting hairs here.
Ten: Continue personal inventory and admit when Im wrong. Well, now that I think about it, maybe I shouldnt have dismissed the idea of going to Mammoth so quickly.
Eleven: Pray and meditate and improve my conscious contact with Ullr, know His will and carry that out. Hell, thats why I came skiing in the first place. Ullrs the one who hasnt kept his part of the bargain.
And Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carry this message to other ski junkies and practice these principles in all our affairs. Affairs, aschmairs; were just here to ski and get laid. Maybe a human sacrifice would work.