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Statistically significant

“Be careful what you wish for.” That’s either an old Chinese proverb — aren’t they all — or something Shakespeare or Mark Twain wrote. Or maybe someone else; it’s not really important.
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“Be careful what you wish for.” That’s either an old Chinese proverb — aren’t they all — or something Shakespeare or Mark Twain wrote. Or maybe someone else; it’s not really important. But the use of quotation marks means it’s something I didn’t just make up, meaning it’s way more important than anything I might make up. Or not.

That thought was running through my mind though when I read Joan McIntyre’s bob-and-weave recommendation about the tidy new compensation package she just got for doing her elected job as our loco MLA. For those of you who don’t know Joan, she’s a very nice, very capable woman with a business background in shaping, er, polling public opinion. We elected her to represent us in Victoria last time around because our former mayor, the very honourable if terribly misquoted Teddy Nebbeling stepped down to run for the job of our current mayor, a task he was ultimately unsuccessful at. Victoria, for those of you who don’t know, is where the provincial — that’s British Columbia — government governs. So to put it more simply, Joan is a provincial politician who represents us in Gordon Campbell’s government.

If this all seems too basic, pat yourself on the back. You may be one of the 1.2 per cent of British Columbians who either know or care, quite possibly not both, anything at all about who MLAs are or what they do and how they do it. That’s one of the nuggets of wisdom and rationale in last month’s report crafted by the Independent Commission to Review MLA Compensation.

When 601 “adults” around our fair province were asked, “How many MLAs do you think are in the B.C. Legislature?” only 1.2 per cent got the answer right: 79. This is a troubling statistic. It’s not at all troubling that almost no one surveyed got the right answer. Quite frankly, I’m not certain why anyone knows or cares how many MLAs there are in British Columbia. And perhaps a more revealing question might have been, “How many MLAs do you think it takes to change a light bulb?” If not more revealing, it certainly would have been more entertaining to read the responses to that one, eh?

No, what’s really troubling about 1.2 per cent of 601 people getting the right answer is this: 1.2 per cent of 601 is 7.21! Somewhere in British Columbia there is less than a quarter of a person who got the right answer. Chew on that while I sprinkle another quote into this lowbrow effort at humour.

This highly suspect anomaly clearly brings to mind the wisdom of Mark Twain — unless it was Shakespeare or some old Chinese — who said, “There are lies, damned lies and then, there are statistics.” Or words to that effect. I’ve seen a lot of freaks in my time, and dated a few, but I’ve never seen anyone who came up so short of being a whole person.

But then, the official report of the “independent” commission is just chock full of interesting information. Some of it is humorous. An example of that might be the fact — and I use the word fact with obvious skepticism — that 15.1 per cent (90.75 people just in case you were wondering) of the people surveyed believed British Columbia MLAs were not paid enough. Not paid enough… good one. More believably, 34.8 per cent believe the scoundrels are paid too much and 51.9 per cent think they get what they deserve… compensationwise. For the eagle-eyed numerate among you, your eyes do not deceive. Yes, those number do add up to 101.8 per cent. Which, in a scary way, gives some credence to those mindless jocks who keep talking about giving 110 per cent, something pedantic mathematicians keep telling us is not possible.

But back to the point. Rounding notwithstanding, that means over 85 per cent of MLAs’ subjects, er, constituents, believe they’re either getting paid just right or too much. Now if MLAs went out and polled the populace on, say, how the public felt they were performing their jobs and the results came back that 85 per cent felt they were doing a good or very good job, they’d probably use that information to point out what a good job they were doing. And then they’d give themselves a raise.

Which is what they’ve done notwithstanding the fact 85 per cent of constituents believe they’re either paid just right or too much.

Thanks for asking me to read the report, Joan. It pretty much backs up what I think about what you think about what I think. Which is, if you had trouble following that sentence, that you really don’t give a rat’s ass what I think as long as it doesn’t substantially interfere with you sinking your nose further in the trough with the rest of the piggies. Oink, oink.

It also more or less confirms my low opinion of your — not you specifically, Joan, but the collective “your”, as in all of you elected public servants — ability to tell the truth. Joan says the pay raise she’s going to get, 29 per cent, isn’t really 29 per cent at all. Heaven’s no. It’s actually less than 20 per cent! My God, woman, how are you going to keep home and hearth together?

The recommendation — all in favour, all opposed, passed — is to raise MLAs pay from $76,100 to $98,000. Let’s see: percentage change = (new salary – old salary)/old salary… 28.78 per cent. But that 0.12 per cent ain’t what Joan’s on about. Under the new salary plan, MLAs will lose the sweet, 9 per cent (sorry about all these numbers, folks) matching RRSP contribution, the highest I’ve ever seen and way higher than any of my private sector employers have ever offered me. Joan says if you factor that loss in, her raise is less than 20 per cent.

All things being equal, that would be true. But it fails to take into account the new, very generous defined-benefit pension plan the “independent” commission recommended. It failed also to take into account the increase in special allowances, which will now be calculated as a percentage of base pay instead of a fixed dollar amount, paid to MLAs who hold a special add-on to their job… just about all of them. It doesn’t take into account the boost in severance, per diem costs, travel, etc.

I’m too exhausted to do the math but when all those goodies are added in, 29 per cent begins to look like a modest interpretation of the increase MLAs will be getting.

But hey, when you get to choose your own “independent” commission with people who are in one way or another beholden to you or are in the business of escalating salaries, set their terms of engagement, and vote to accept their recommendations, you’d be a chump to accept something less than you so richly deserve. Wouldn’t you?

Or maybe you’d just be in this gig for reasons as quaintly outdated as, oh, public service.

Reminds me of something I’m pretty sure George Orwell wrote, unless it was Shakespeare or Mark Twain. “All animals are equal… but some are more equal than others.” Oink, oink.