Well, we may finally have an answer to the burning question: what makes a Whistleratic as riled up as a cancelled bike race? Answer: A ham-handed, punitive pay parking plan.
Maybe it's because I always thought of computers as work tools as opposed to entertainment but whatever the reason, I never have, and likely never will, really figure out the fascination with Facebook. I can think of several dozen things I'd rather do than read another "Mikey likes this" post or ponder the incredible waste of bandwidth represented by the N th video of someone's child mastering the nuances of tricycling. But I freely admit I'm blown away by the little firestorm growing daily on the "Hell No We Won't Pay" Facebook page set up by someone I don't know based on the half-baked idea in the final few paragraphs of last week's column. Thank you, Bronwyn, whoever you are.
As of Wednesday morning, 755 people have said they're going to attend the town party on June 4 th in Lot 1. Perhaps we'll have to make that Lot 2; Lot 1 isn't that big.
Cool.
I'm not sure how Facebook math works and I suspect there's an attrition factor somewhere near an order of magnitude between "will attend" and "will attend if nothing better comes up between now and then." But so what. These are only people who Facebook, and I have it on good authority there are actually people left in the world who don't.
Reading through the posts though - and listening to people the old-fashioned way, face-to-face - there seems to be a lot of confusion, speculation, conspiracy theory and plain ol' bad information floating around about Pay Parking III: Us again' Them. So, as a public service, I've prepared a FAQ to clear a few things up... in a "muddy the waters" sort of way.
Q: Aren't we really creating a tempest in a teapot over this silly pay parking thing? Especially since the world is going to end on May 21?
A: While I wouldn't want to get into a biblical argument with you, I'm pretty certain the world won't end on May 21. I can't point to any religious text to prove it but I can tell you my Visa payment is scheduled to come out of my bank account on May 20 and if there is a God, I don't believe she'd be so heartless as to end the world the day after she puts me into overdraft.
Q: How did the muni come up with the figure $13.50/day? Why did they extend it to Lots 4 & 5? Is there any place I can still park for free?
A: The official answer to your first question is, in its beneficence, the RMOW ate the HST on its old, way more reasonable (sic) $12/day rate after HST was gifted to the residents of British Columbia last July. What a bunch of swell guys. So $12 plus HST is $13.44 and they rounded it up because they were tired of being so swell. They extended it to Lots 4 and 5 because if they didn't, they would still be making squat from pay parking and depriving you of joining the party. You can still park in Pemberton for free or in any of B.C. provincial parks because Premier Chrissy understands free parking is good for tourism. Imagine that.
Q: I hear the province was going to charge for parking if they kept the day skier lots and keep all the money for themselves. Is that true?
A: Are you suggesting it isn't? Just because this is the first time you've heard of it in the year-and-a-half we've been talking about pay parking? Do you really think the office of Miss Communication would keep such a powerful rationale like that from you? I'm shocked, shocked you'd even ask such a question.
Q: I have two cars, well, one's really a truck. I carpool with three other people in my Prius from Squish during the week and my hubby and I drive the truck up on weekends to ride in the bike park. Do I need to buy parking passes for both vehicles?
A: You have a car and a truck? Shame on you. Of course you have to buy two parking passes... even though you'll only use one at a time. You're exactly the kind of person whose behaviour the RMOW's trying to change. Really, a car and a truck. And a couple of bikes? You'd think you were an ex-stonemason or something. Stop carpooling and start taking the bus from Squamish. If the limited schedule doesn't work for you, get a new job. Ride your bikes up on the weekend. Sell your truck. Stop complaining.
Q: When all the lots were free, they all seemed full on weekends. If I came in on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to do a Village Host shift, I couldn't find a place to park. Now, even on busy weekends, Lots 1, 2 and 3 seem empty. How come the muni says there are the same number of cars parked there, just redistributed to Lot 4 & 5?
A: New math. Each car in Lots 4 and 5 count as six old cars, therefore there are approximately the same number of cars as there always were, just more open space.
Q: I'm going to be on vacation the first three weeks of June. Do I have to buy a whole month's pass for the last four days of the month I'll be parking?
A: You can afford to go on vacation? And you're complaining about paying to park? Shame on you too.
Q: I'm retiring from my job the middle of June. Should I get a three-month workerbee pass while I still qualify for the buck-a-day indentured servant rate?
A: You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking of doing such a thing. Pay the full locals-and-everybody-else price and be proud you're doing your part to keep the spending party going at muni hall.
Q: Since June's still shoulder season, my hours have been cut back and I haven't been getting 20/week. I'll get more hours once the summer tourists come but I can't afford $65/month. Will there be any leeway in applying the worker rate?
A: Shame, shame, shame. You should get down on your knees and just thank the lord you have a job at all. Stop whining; walking's good for you.
Q: Can I set up a table at the June 4 th park-in and sell Hell No We Won't Pay hoodies?
A: No. But you can have the concession to sell magnetic duplicates of Mayor Melamed's licence plate. 500 cars with the same licence plate ought to set the little scanner's computer heart a racin'.
