Runnin’ with the pack
Zippy the Dog smiles. Being a Lab, he also belches, farts, eats anything that hits the floor and makes a sound which, if I’m not mistaken, is the dog world equivalent of Homer Simpson’s "D’Oh!"
But it’s the smile that apparently makes him unique, or at least unusual, among the higher lifeforms. Zippy’s is a big, toothy, obsequious smile. It is a cross between a "be my friend" smile and a "boy, do I have some swamp land I’d like to talk to you about" oily, sly smirk.
If he were a mean looking dog or made a growly noise when he flashed it, you might mistake his smile for a snarl. But he’s a goof, a Lab, a dog most people would immediately recognize as a serious threat to lick them to death or maybe induce exhaustion insisting they throw his ball until their arm fell off. As such, even non-dogpeople have commented on the unsettling fact he smiles.
"Hey, your dog smiles."
"Yeah. Kinda unsettling isn’t it?"
"He ever do that while you’re undressing?
"He knows better."
Problem is, dogs don’t smile. At least that’s what Dr. Stanley Coren said when he came to town a couple of weeks ago. Despite his rumpled, streetperson appearance, Dr. Coren is a dog expert and knows about such things. He spends lots of time in the laboratory studying dogs and studying other studies about dogs as well as spending lots of "field" time breaking good dogs of bad habits. In his half hour television show, Good Dog , Dr. Coren can break a dog of, say, sofa eating or charging things that catch his eye on the Home Shopping channel.
Anyway, he says dogs don’t smile and, much as I’d hate to call him a liar, Zippy the Dog smiles. I’ve got witnesses. I was going to ask him about it during the Q&A following his talk, but there were a lot more important questions being asked. "My dog ate my coat. Why’s he do things like that?" for example.
Besides, I’m not entirely sure I trust him. His talk was on "The Language of Dogs." He was going to explain the subtle nuances of dogspeak to those of us who usually only take a wild stab at guessing what it is our dogs are trying to say. Personally, I know Zippy has a rich and varied language embracing such complex metaphysical concepts as "Hey, you gonna finish that?" while staring mournfully at whatever I’m eating. Or, "Throw the ball. Throw the ball. Throw the freakin’ ball already."
But I was immediately suspicious about Dr. Coren’s credentials and the validity of his dog-human translations when I found out dogs wouldn’t be allowed to attend his presentation. That’s right. The only living beings who could possibly refute the good doctor’s assertions were barred from his lecture. Almost sounds like a Liberal Party caucus meeting, doesn’t it? What’s he afraid of? I wonder.
But in a town where only three or four people will turn out and pay good money to hear a World-Class singer perform at Our Place – MY Place, while a vast improvement over the now laughably outdated Millennium Place (told ya so) just sounds soooo possessive – Doc Coren packed the meeting room at Myrtle Philip school and, with just a bit of promotion, coulda sold out the existing, undersized conference centre. Dogs will outdraw singers in this town any day of the week.
Which, of course, led me to wonder why there isn’t a good dog phone-in show. Actually, to be completely fair, not to mention honest, it led my Perfect Partner to wonder about why there isn’t a good dog phone-in show. But since she doesn’t have a weekly deadline to meet, she graciously let me have the idea.
Let’s face it, there are phone-in shows on radio and television on just about any topic you’d care to discuss. CBC radio would probably only have about two hours of programming a day if it weren’t for phone-in shows about gardening alone. There’s a kindly, grey-haired woman who bears an uncomfortable resemblance to nearly everyone’s grandmother on television every Sunday night explaining the inner workings of dildoes and blow jobs to an unending line of cross-country phone-inners. Or is that innees?
And, of course, there’s Dr. Laura, purveyor of intolerant advice to people of loose morals from sea to shining sea. Personally, I think she’s just about run out of cretinous behaviour to chastise and maybe she ought to think about turning her vast intellectual talents to the burning questions people have about dogs.
"We’ve got Amber on the line from Whistler. Hi Amber?
"Hi Dr. Laura. I’m my dog’s feeder."
"Isn’t that nice. Got a question, Loser?"
"Why do dogs smell each others’… well, you know. Back there?"
"Amber, you’re going to burn in Hell for letting your dog do that."
"What?"
"Oh, sorry dear, wrong show. Well, Amber, dogs sniff each other’s backsides because… let’s see, oh yeah, because they can’t high five. Yeah, because they can’t high five and Eskimos already rub noses."
"Gee, thanks Dr. Laura."
"Okay, next we’ve got Brady from, what a coincidence, Brady’s from Whistler too."
"Love your show Dr. Laura. I’m like my dog’s feeder. But maybe I’m like not feeding him enough though. When I got home yesterday from snowboarding, like my sofa was gone and Buster’s breath smelled suspiciously like Scotchguard. Like, why does he do stuff like that?"
"Brady, did you say you were snowboarding when Buster ate your sofa?"
"Yeah, it was like a sick day up there."
"Well Brady, it seem pretty clear Buster probably got into your stash of illegal drugs and got a major doggie case of the munchies. That’s what you get for being an addict, Brady. That and you’ll burn in Hell of course."
"BUSTER!!! I’LL KILL YOU…."
"Remember, kind listeners, only users lose drugs. Okay, next we’ve got Max from, well, of all things, Whistler. Hi Max."
"Hi Dr. Laura. I’m my dog’s feeder."
"That’s nice. Got a question?"
"Yeah, my dog’s, I don’t know exactly how to say this, but my dog’s got a modesty problem. He’s too embarrassed to do his "business" where other people can see him. He goes deep into the woods and hides himself. I think he’s embarrassed to do it out in the open like all the other dogs in Whistler. He’s also kind of sneaky and likes to hide things. Whenever I come home, I can’t shake the feeling he’s been up to something but he’s so devious about it. He never does things out in the open. What do you think?"
"I think he should run for council. Sounds like he’d be right at home in that pack."
Oops, and I promised no politics this week.
