Runnin with the pack
Zippy the Dog smiles. Being a Lab, he also belches, farts, eats anything that hits the floor and makes a sound which, if Im not mistaken, is the dog world equivalent of Homer Simpsons "DOh!"
But its the smile that apparently makes him unique, or at least unusual, among the higher lifeforms. Zippys is a big, toothy, obsequious smile. It is a cross between a "be my friend" smile and a "boy, do I have some swamp land Id like to talk to you about" oily, sly smirk.
If he were a mean looking dog or made a growly noise when he flashed it, you might mistake his smile for a snarl. But hes a goof, a Lab, a dog most people would immediately recognize as a serious threat to lick them to death or maybe induce exhaustion insisting they throw his ball until their arm fell off. As such, even non-dogpeople have commented on the unsettling fact he smiles.
"Hey, your dog smiles."
"Yeah. Kinda unsettling isnt it?"
"He ever do that while youre undressing?
"He knows better."
Problem is, dogs dont smile. At least thats what Dr. Stanley Coren said when he came to town a couple of weeks ago. Despite his rumpled, streetperson appearance, Dr. Coren is a dog expert and knows about such things. He spends lots of time in the laboratory studying dogs and studying other studies about dogs as well as spending lots of "field" time breaking good dogs of bad habits. In his half hour television show, Good Dog , Dr. Coren can break a dog of, say, sofa eating or charging things that catch his eye on the Home Shopping channel.
Anyway, he says dogs dont smile and, much as Id hate to call him a liar, Zippy the Dog smiles. Ive got witnesses. I was going to ask him about it during the Q&A following his talk, but there were a lot more important questions being asked. "My dog ate my coat. Whys he do things like that?" for example.
Besides, Im not entirely sure I trust him. His talk was on "The Language of Dogs." He was going to explain the subtle nuances of dogspeak to those of us who usually only take a wild stab at guessing what it is our dogs are trying to say. Personally, I know Zippy has a rich and varied language embracing such complex metaphysical concepts as "Hey, you gonna finish that?" while staring mournfully at whatever Im eating. Or, "Throw the ball. Throw the ball. Throw the freakin ball already."
But I was immediately suspicious about Dr. Corens credentials and the validity of his dog-human translations when I found out dogs wouldnt be allowed to attend his presentation. Thats right. The only living beings who could possibly refute the good doctors assertions were barred from his lecture. Almost sounds like a Liberal Party caucus meeting, doesnt it? Whats he afraid of? I wonder.
But in a town where only three or four people will turn out and pay good money to hear a World-Class singer perform at Our Place MY Place, while a vast improvement over the now laughably outdated Millennium Place (told ya so) just sounds soooo possessive Doc Coren packed the meeting room at Myrtle Philip school and, with just a bit of promotion, coulda sold out the existing, undersized conference centre. Dogs will outdraw singers in this town any day of the week.
Which, of course, led me to wonder why there isnt a good dog phone-in show. Actually, to be completely fair, not to mention honest, it led my Perfect Partner to wonder about why there isnt a good dog phone-in show. But since she doesnt have a weekly deadline to meet, she graciously let me have the idea.
Lets face it, there are phone-in shows on radio and television on just about any topic youd care to discuss. CBC radio would probably only have about two hours of programming a day if it werent for phone-in shows about gardening alone. Theres a kindly, grey-haired woman who bears an uncomfortable resemblance to nearly everyones grandmother on television every Sunday night explaining the inner workings of dildoes and blow jobs to an unending line of cross-country phone-inners. Or is that innees?
And, of course, theres Dr. Laura, purveyor of intolerant advice to people of loose morals from sea to shining sea. Personally, I think shes just about run out of cretinous behaviour to chastise and maybe she ought to think about turning her vast intellectual talents to the burning questions people have about dogs.
"Weve got Amber on the line from Whistler. Hi Amber?
"Hi Dr. Laura. Im my dogs feeder."
"Isnt that nice. Got a question, Loser?"
"Why do dogs smell each others well, you know. Back there?"
"Amber, youre going to burn in Hell for letting your dog do that."
"What?"
"Oh, sorry dear, wrong show. Well, Amber, dogs sniff each others backsides because lets see, oh yeah, because they cant high five. Yeah, because they cant high five and Eskimos already rub noses."
"Gee, thanks Dr. Laura."
"Okay, next weve got Brady from, what a coincidence, Bradys from Whistler too."
"Love your show Dr. Laura. Im like my dogs feeder. But maybe Im like not feeding him enough though. When I got home yesterday from snowboarding, like my sofa was gone and Busters breath smelled suspiciously like Scotchguard. Like, why does he do stuff like that?"
"Brady, did you say you were snowboarding when Buster ate your sofa?"
"Yeah, it was like a sick day up there."
"Well Brady, it seem pretty clear Buster probably got into your stash of illegal drugs and got a major doggie case of the munchies. Thats what you get for being an addict, Brady. That and youll burn in Hell of course."
"BUSTER!!! ILL KILL YOU ."
"Remember, kind listeners, only users lose drugs. Okay, next weve got Max from, well, of all things, Whistler. Hi Max."
"Hi Dr. Laura. Im my dogs feeder."
"Thats nice. Got a question?"
"Yeah, my dogs, I dont know exactly how to say this, but my dogs got a modesty problem. Hes too embarrassed to do his "business" where other people can see him. He goes deep into the woods and hides himself. I think hes embarrassed to do it out in the open like all the other dogs in Whistler. Hes also kind of sneaky and likes to hide things. Whenever I come home, I cant shake the feeling hes been up to something but hes so devious about it. He never does things out in the open. What do you think?"
"I think he should run for council. Sounds like hed be right at home in that pack."
Oops, and I promised no politics this week.