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Parting ways on the Segway

By G.D. Maxwell In the Cariboo, home to Smilin' Dog B&B, there are some things that just aren't done, doncha know? I know what you're thinking. Yes, necks tend to be a bit redder in these parts.

By G.D. Maxwell

In the Cariboo, home to Smilin' Dog B&B, there are some things that just aren't done, doncha know?

I know what you're thinking. Yes, necks tend to be a bit redder in these parts. Yes, you will find unregistered weapons of fast destruction mounted in the rear windows of pickup trucks. And yes, you will find plenty of people 'round these parts who would gladly and quickly exchange Ralph Klein for Gordon Campbell if for no other reason than at least when he's drunk, Ralph just beats up on homeless guys instead of crawling behind the wheel of a car.

But you'll also find a surprising degree of acceptance of things different. Lifestyles, as sexual orientation is euphemistically called, for one.

You'll find an inexplicable upbeat populace, despite having had virtually all the legs of their economic stool sawn out from under them. You'll find customer service in many places surpassing what we believe we've mastered in Whistler.

But you won't find any joggers.

Taking Zippy the Dog for a jog - poetic, ain't it?- is almost a stealth operation. We'll walk to the trailhead, lest we attract too much attention actually jogging in open view. Of course, even walking to the trail instead of driving a truck, car, ATV or motorcycle, in order of preference, is suspect. "Why walk when you can drive?" could well pass for the region's official motto if "Will work for pay" hadn't narrowly beat it out in a recent vote.

Cariboo folk are devoted to machinery. While the area around 108 Mile House is well-known for its extensive network of cross-country skiing trails, the locals are quick to explain they're just for tourists. Locals ride sleds during winter months. Big sleds. Powerful sleds. Sleds they also race on grass during the summer, so dedicated are they to them.

While I try to live in both worlds, my basic wiring is more attuned to the Whistler model. People in Whistler walk, jog, bike, paddle, cross-country and hike, often all in the same trip. Congestion on the Valley Trail is not infrequently more severe than it is on Highway 99.

So what in the world was council thinking when they green-lighted a pilot project for this year's most useless product - the Segway?

Let me see if I have this straight. Segway - cute as it is - runs on batteries. Batteries store electric energy. Electric energy has to be generated, transmitted, converted and fed into the batteries.

Whatever use Segways are put to in Whistler is going to be at the expense of...walking. Walking requires no dams, no run-of-river hydro projects, no coal-fired power plants, no nukes.

Would somebody please explain to me where Segway fits into Whistler's touted-to-nauseam commitment to - wait for it folks, here it comes - S-U-S-T-A-I-N-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y?

Segway - cute as it is - isn't going to replace one car in Whistler. It isn't going to get somebody to swap a trip in their diesel dually for a glide. Especially if plans go ahead for a rental shop IN THE RESORT, Segway can't possibly claim to be a green alternative.

So what momentary lapse explains council's decision? Or are we back to the bad old days where council will approve anything paraded before it that's going to mean revenue from a business license?

Let's face it, humans have an insatiable capacity to invent things they shouldn't. Two examples should suffice:

Calorie-reduced Lite peanut butter comes immediately to mind. Peanuts are fattening. No skinny elephants, right?

Peanut butter is, aside from TurtlesT one of the finest things peanuts can ever hope to become. Unless some mad food scientist strips the fat out of it so obese people can continue to chow down on it instead of more fundamentally changing their relationship to food, lite peanut butter shouldn't exist.

And there really isn't any reason to explain why jet skis should ever have been invented.

Being the generous kind of guy I am, I wouldn't lump Segway - cute as it is - in the same category as jet skis. The two-wheeled people handcart may well have a place in the overall scheme of people moving. It would be useful, for example, to...um...er...ah.still thinking...er...um... Okay, let's abandon that line of thought.

Let's think instead of why Segway is a really, really bad idea and has no place whatsoever in our happy mountain home. Oh, let me count the ways.

Having read numerous magazine articles - and written several - on the delights tourists find in Whistler, no Whistler story is complete without paying homage to its PEDESTRIAN VILLAGE.

People love the fact Whistler is wander-friendly. They like to meander aimlessly through our labyrinth, window shop, sip lattès, watch street performers, take life at a slower-than-at-home pace.

No one has ever expressed a desire to glide effortlessly through the village at 12.5mph, find a place to tether their US$5,000 mobility crutch while they buy a T-shirt, then zoom on over to meet their friends for a few quick laps around Marketplace.

And even if anyone had ever expressed a desire to do that, our very strong and self-interested merchants' association should be very interested in making sure they can't.

This town is built on physical activity! It's built to be a place to leave your damn vehicle parked, get off yer fat ass and move under your own power. Walk! Ride a bike! Enjoy the, for many, unusual feeling of your heart pumping faster than it does when you lie on the couch watching reality TV.

The natural environment for Segway - you know - is URBAN. Whistler is already in danger of becoming so urban that people whose lives are spent stuck in urban environments won't consider it an escape from their urban lifestyle anymore. Why do we want to encourage the trend?

I'll take the Big Ka-hugh-na's word for it when he says, "It's definitely fun!" I'm just not sure that's the sole and overriding criteria for approving commercial activity. Roller coasters are fun. Many people find casinos fun. I personally get a big kick out of bumper cars, which, admittedly, might be fun on a Segway.

But there are bigger issues.

And, ironically, it's those bigger issues we elect people to keep their eye on when we go to the polls every three years and select council members.

I'm not there to do any unscientific polling but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and speculate most of the people who voted in the election and runoff election didn't have anything as cute and totally out of place as Segways in mind when you six councilors (way to go Caroline) voted to allow them.

It's not to late to say you're sorry and pull your heads out of your...change your minds