Maxed Out 

A New Era for B.C. Bud

By G.D. Maxwell

I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on around here. Not around here as in around Whistler or my house or even in the frozen, dumped-on sprawl that is Vancouver – home of the 2010 Olympics – but here as in Victoria, provincial and federal Liberal politics, and the seemingly endless buffoon fest that is the government of Slash "Rear Entry" Gordon.

Given that most Whistleratics have just pinballed through a booze and work binge the rest of the world considers a holiday but I like to think of as one of Dante’s levels of Hell, it might be worthwhile taking a moment to explain what the heck I’m talking about.

Twenty months ago, the Mounties began an investigation into organized crime and drugs. The first 10 months of the investigation were taken up with logistical details. Several of the Mounties had to learn to roll joints, pick up and internalize the lingo of the street, grow out their crew cuts and scuff up their shiny black shoes to "fit" into the criminal element. So, according to Victoria Police Chief Paul Battershill, whose force joined in the investigation, police began actively investigating organized crime and drugs 10 months ago.

Among their findings was the fact there was a rather brisk, cross-border trade: B.C. marijuana for U.S. cocaine. Now, as we all know, there is nowhere in the USofA, outside certain well-known greenhouse operations, where the coca tree grows. Careful not to jump to any rash conclusions, the Mounties painstakingly deduced the B.C. bud was actually being traded for cocaine most likely sourced from Colombia which is, understandably, often confused with British Columbia notwithstanding the fact that Colombians speak Spanish, have great tans, carry automatic weapons and never grow taller than 5’4" whereas British Columbians speak British, are fishbelly white, stockpile weapons of mass-denial and are generally tall enough to reach the Pop Tarts on the highest shelf at the grocery store.

Manipulating all that investigative data through Canada’s only supercomputer – the Beaver, located at the Mounties Regina headquarters and generally used to figure out the intricate movements performed so deftly by the Musical Ride – the Mounties were reluctantly left with the only logical conclusion they could draw. What they’d clearly stumbled into was a massive, politically-driven, Free Trade in the Americas initiative hitherto unknown. Obviously such a well-orchestrated movement of goods and services could only take place with the acquiescence, if not actual involvement, of the leaders of all countries involved.

So the Sunday after Christmas, before church, the Mounties arrested Paul Martin, newly anointed Prime Minister of all Canadians, and issued a fugitive warrant for Gordon Campbell, Premie of B.C. who was back in Maui at the time serving out the court-ordered community service punishment for his drunk driving arrest last Christmas. The local Maui newspapers were already having a field day running pictures of Slash, decked out in his colourful hibiscus-festooned, county prison issue jumpsuit with his Hawaiian name – 03-02659 – embroidered on the back, chain-ganged to a necklace of muggers, thugs and thieves, picking up discarded Big Mac™ wrappers along the tropical roadside.

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