Maxed Out 

Happy Tuponia Day, notwithstanding O Canada

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Actually, wouldn’t it just be easier to proclaim the smallest Canadian’s most famous song our new anthem? Paul Anka’s My Way, fav of the karaoke set, would be both fitting, nationalistic, and rife with Canadian humour, not to mention the irony of having drunken, off-key Idol-wannabes belting out Canada’s national anthem in smoky bars all over the world.

But here I am, off on a tangent when the whole point of this column was supposed to be to welcome all our guests to Canada Day! For those of you from Canada, you already understand what I’m talking about and while you’d never show off about either the fact you know what I’m talking about or it being your country’s special day, try to be a little more excited, if only for the sake of the foreign tourists who puzzle over our subdued celebration of nationalistic fervour.

To our American visitors, Canada Day is our Independence Day… except we never felt it necessary to proclaim our independence from Great Britain. There are several excellent reasons why we still have a picture of Queen Elizabeth of England on our money. First, contrary to popular rumour, Queen Elizabeth is still alive. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. Several years ago, Tony Blair, the English Prime Minister and co-author of the coalition of the willing, contracted the animatronics division of Disney to build a replica of Queen Elizabeth. When the old girl dies – if she hasn’t already – the plan is to just slip the animatronic version into her throne, thereby keeping Prince Chucklehead from becoming King and all the rest of the Commonwealth countries from abandoning the monarchy en masse.

Oops, here I am off on another tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Canada Day is our Independence Day. We celebrate it on July first because the Fourth of July is celebrated on July fourth, much as Cinco de Mayo is celebrated on May cinco and, being polite to a fault, Canadians wouldn’t want to horn in on the celebrations of either of our NAFTA partners.

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