There are a lot worse things about the outcome of this week’s federal oh-no Canada election than the somber reality of rolling the phrase Prime Minister Harper round and round a brain unapologetically small-l liberal.
Excuse me, I need a cigarette after a rationalization as big as the great outdoors.
That’s better. Where was I? Oh yes, a lot worse things.
There is, for example, the nauseating sight of Canada’s newest power couple, Diamond Jack Layton and the insufferably shrill Olivia Chow. What once only plagued Toronto – Motto: What do you mean the rest of the country? – has become a pain to be felt from sea to sea to sea. That’s worse.
There is the chilling, and one can only hope woefully misplaced, speculation that the vacuous Belittle Stronach could emerge as a potential leadership candidate to guide the resurrection of the Liberal party, an idea so appalling one wonders whether she and Peter "The Weasel" McKay didn’t actually dream this nefarious plot up as a way of destroying the Libs once and for all. That’s so worse it could lead even me to join the Conservative party.
There is the numbing sameness of having Gilles "Cheesehead" Duceppe reelected, albeit with a stinging one-two punch of fewer seats and way less than 50 per cent of the Quebec vote, and the knowledge he’ll continue to gnaw at the ankles of power like a rabid ferret and be invited to the next leaders’ debate. That’s worse, in a familiar, recurring nightmare kind of way.
But the absolute worst thing to come out of this round of Democracy in Action is the very unfortunate phrase… I almost can’t bring myself to type it… pizza parliament.
Pizza parliament?!
I’m not generally a violent man. But I’d stand by and gleefully cheer if someone would cut the tongue out of whomever first uttered that moronic, infantile phrase. I’m not even sure what it means other than expressing the general comfort people feel for pie charts as opposed to bar graphs or columns of numbers. But if Conservative power means anything, a proposition still open to debate, it should mean they have the power to ban that obnoxious label.
There was, actually, a lot of good news in Monday night’s results. Hang on, I need another cigarette.
I know, you think I’m kidding. I can hear you now, "Is he kidding?" Hell no. I’m not kidding; I’m rationalizing. So here goes. This is the top 10 Best Spin list of reasons why a Canadian liberal shouldn’t be eyeing his gas oven and conjuring images of Sylvia Plath.
10. Svend Robinson lost. Yes, I know, Headless Fry is a boob – non-gendered epithet – and an embarrassment. And Svend has always been a tireless shit disturber who represented his constituents well. But he’s also a crook who brought Canada dangerously close to validating the Twinkie defense and way past the line of one set of rules for the powerful, another for the rest of us slobs. But even a country loathe to embrace personal responsibility has to draw the line somewhere. Thank you Vancouver Centre for having a shred of dignity.
9. No Conservative was elected from an urban riding. "What about Calgary and Edmonton?" I hear Alberta Conservatives whining. I love it when someone’s question answers itself. This is a win-win proposition. Stevie Harper can either totally ignore Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver, which is exactly what the sniveling, self-centred urbanites deserve, or he can tirelessly strive to win them over and make inroads in the next election, which will be a little like watching Itchy and Scratchy making love to each other.
8. Relations with our American neighbours will warm up as surely as the atmosphere. Don’t panic; think longer term. Sooner or later My Fellow Americans will wake up and realize what a horrible mistake they’ve made. The shining city on the hill will once again be a beacon of freedom and democracy, if there’s any of either left after the current, in-house moron runs his term.
7. Bucking a decades-long trend, Ontario voters doffed their sheepskins and didn’t all vote exactly the same way. I hereby publicly take back some of the nasty things I’ve said over the years about Ontarians… but Toronto’s still a hole.
6. The Liberals got the comeuppance they so sorely deserved. Even a guy who’s scared to death of latter-day Conservatives’ inability to balance a budget, propensity to shoo homos back into the closet, desire to roll back abortion and employment equity laws and heartfelt belief in the myth of global warming had to admit the current Liberal coterie was rotten to the core. Good riddance.
5. Tony Valeri, Anne McLellan and Pierre Pettigrew lost… and have about as much chance at parachuting into a senate seat as pot has of being decriminalized, at least as long as the Conservatives are running the show.
4. Like Quebec if it every actually manages to secede, Diamond Jack woke up to realize just how hard it’s going to be to cut a deal – or even find common ground – with the Conservative party. Once a power broker with Pauly’s Liberals, Jack’s going to be odd man out with Stevie’s big blue machine, which pretty much renders the NDP’s gains impotent. But hey, Jackie boy’s the one who wanted an election, no matter how much he tries to blame Little Pauly for it. How’s that for a hangover, Jack?
3. While much of Canada rushed to embrace the Conservatives, many rabid, evangelical, Christian Conservatives went down in flames. While the country may be willing to bend mildly to the right, it isn’t ready to start thumpin’ Bibles any time soon.
2. Paul Martin resigned. For a man who spent nearly his entire adult life striving mightily to become Prime Minister, Little Pauly was less prepared and less adept at the job than anyone in recent history. And was it just me or was Mrs. Martin absolutely beaming when Pauly was delivering his "I’m outta here," speech? Wonder how long it took her to realize that just meant he’d be spending a lot more time around the house? Carumba!
1. Stephen Harper didn’t win a majority and is going to have to cut deals like a Turkish rug merchant to get anything done. In fact, does it strike anyone else as ironic that Paul Martin seemed more thrilled in defeat than Stevie did in Victory?
Politics, ya gotta love ’em.
