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Canadians are what we are not

Sometime between now and the next time Pique comes out, it will be Canada Day. One of the uncomfortable things about writing for a weekly publication is you have to think… ahead.
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Sometime between now and the next time Pique comes out, it will be Canada Day. One of the uncomfortable things about writing for a weekly publication is you have to think… ahead. For example, it’s okay to write about something that won’t happen for another four, five or even six days but it’s not okay to write about something that happened the day before. At least not holidaywise. And Canada Day is a holiday; make no mistake about that. Most of the rest of the country and all the muni workers, except the really important ones, have the day off, which is more or less the definition of a holiday.

Canada Day is the day Canadians celebrate their Canadianess. From coast to coast to coast, Canadians rise and greet the day with affirmations such as, “Great to be Canadian, eh?” Or, “Umm, love the smell of back bacon in the morning, eh?” Or, “Where’s my damn EI cheque, eh?”

Except in Toronto where, like most of Whistler, people just get up and go to work. It’s not that they have tourists to look after in Toronto, which is the reason most of the workerbees in Whistler get up and go to work, tourists being a lot like babies, needing constant feeding and attention lest they break out in uncontrolled fits of pique. Torontonians just like getting up and going to work. It’s one of many reasons I left there.

Canada Day, ironically, comes just three days before America Day, a/k/a Independence Day, the Fourth of July. Ironic because America came first, countrywise. With the exception of Texas and the big, western states — generously donated by Mexico — the USA pretty much looked like itself shortly after the carpetbaggers got done rebuilding Atlanta after the country was forged from the fiery cauldron of the War Between the States, a/k/a The Civil War, a misnomer if ever there was one... well, maybe not considering they call all those government workers Civil Servants. There must be a language joke in there somewhere.

Canada, on the other hand, existing as a loose confederation of Have and Have-Not provinces, was busy trying to convince Joey Smallwood to join the “Great Experiment” back in 1861 when the U.S. Civil War came to a close and the slaves who hadn’t escaped to Canada were “freed” to become fully-integrated members of society known affectionately as “ex-slaves” or, alternatively, “undesirable elements.” Canada needed Newfoundland for both cod and to fill much the same societal role, making even the existing Have-Not provinces feel good about themselves in much the same way ex-slaves made inbred southern crackers feel superior.

But the U.S., being even at that time magnanimous at the “grand gesture”, let Canada go first when the country finally hoodwinked Joey into joining up. It was a crafty move... or so they thought. Recently uncovered documents released under the Freedom of Information Act just before the Bush administration repealed it, show the real reason the U.S. encouraged Canada to celebrate Canada Day three days before America Day was so Americans could come up to Canada on July 2 nd and stock up on cut-rate fireworks in time for the 4 th of July celebrations. Naturally, like most magnanimous acts, it backfired. Being generally ignorant about Canadian Ways, the oh-so clever boys who thought that one up didn’t realize Canada only allows “safety” fireworks in the country ever since the Great Halifax Harbour Explosion, caused by a careless cigarette dropped by a worker on a fireworks barge during an earlier “Dominion Day” celebration. Ha-Ha, good joke, eh? Took ’em a long time before they ever thought about “free trade” with Canada again.

But back to Canada Day. It’s a day Canadians celebrate the sine qua non of being Canada, that which makes all true Canadians Canadian and not, for example, Germans or Chinese. And that special essence, that indispensable, elemental, bred-in-the-bone, ain’t-no-other-in-the-world-like-it distinguishing feature mothers and fathers drill into the soft spots of their children’s heads until it becomes as much a part of them as their DNA? It can be summed up neatly thus: We are not American!

And how are we not American? That question has been the subject of intense research and debate. Enough Royal Commissions have been commissioned to prop up all of B.C.’s aging pulp and paper mills seeking the answer to that question. The CBC was formed specifically to pose that question at least once a month during Cross-Country Chequeup. At last estimate, 40 per cent of Canada Council grants were earmarked for studies and performance art works promising at least part of the answer to that question.

And the answer? Well, being Canadian, we’re not prone to jump to conclusions when dithering will do, but here are at least some of the crucial elements.

The USofA was forged in the fiery cauldrons of bloody war. The American Revolution cast off forever the tyrannical shackles of the British Monarchy and the Civil War settled forever the other defining question plaguing Canadian life: Can Quebec secede from Confederation? Naturally, the Civil War settled that question in a strictly American context, there being no Quebec in America although a large number of Quebecois relatives had, by then, infiltrated the South, bringing with them their scurrilous, separatist ways.

Canada, on the other hand, was forged in the smoky backrooms of genteel gentlemen’s clubs. If America is exemplified by war, Canada is exemplified by such board games as Risk™, Diplomacy™, and, most especially, Monopoly™. Whereas America was formed at the point of a gun, Canada was formed with a nod and a wink.

America settled the west because settling the west was its Manifest Destiny. The teeming American masses yearned to breathe fresh air and discover the wonders of smoking meats with mesquite. Canada, on the other hand, settled the west because it was a sound business move, diversifying its portfolio and assuring it would forever have hinterlands eastern politicians could ignore, piss off and pillage.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, America knew it was bound for glory. America strode into the future with a spring in its step and a certainty not unlike that enjoyed by missionaries bringing the word of God to the Godless. America set the bar, raised the standards and had enough faith in its role as the Only Remaining Superpower, that it was comfortable investing the office of the Presidency and the Executive branch of government with a group of rabble that would make a junta blush.

Canada was just as certain of its future and therefore built all its major cities within 100 miles — converted in the late 20 th century to approximately 160 kilometres — of the U.S.-Canada border. After all, if we weren’t so close and so dependent on our good friends to the south, how could we keep close tabs on what we’re not?

Happy Canada Day, eh?