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In the spirit of giving…

The children were nestled, all snug in their beds. The children are nestled, aren’t they? Good. I don’t want to be accused of starting any panic in the wide-eyed, suspended disbelief, visions of the sugarplum set.
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The children were nestled, all snug in their beds. The children are nestled, aren’t they? Good. I don’t want to be accused of starting any panic in the wide-eyed, suspended disbelief, visions of the sugarplum set.

Fair warning : This holiday column contains material not suitable for children. You might want to consider removing this page from your Christmas Pique or just hiding the entire paper wherever you hide other disturbing material you don’t want your children seeing. Victoria’s Secret catalogs or your brokerage statements, for example.

Capping a year that started off with markets up, spirits soaring and chest-deep powder on both Whistler and Blackcomb, we have now officially hit what can only be described as, well, if not rock bottom, at least rock. The world’s economy is an economy in name only. Former Masters of the Universe are knifing their ex-colleagues in the back fighting for entry level positions as greeters at Wal-Mart. The once capitalistic society known as the USofA has socialized its banks and is in the process of bailing out its defunct auto industry, thus assuring a Chevy in every pot until at least March. The Italian government has just announced a bailout plan for makers of parmesan cheese.

And now… this!

A press release from the North Pole has put the world on notice: Santa Inc — as it turns out a subsidiary of the hedge fund Frozen Assets LLC — has threatened to cancel Christmas unless an immediate bailout can be arranged no later than… immediately. Like this afternoon.

Formerly jovial St. Nick, looking rather uncharacteristically gaunt, hitched four of his eight tiny reindeer to a sleigh badly in need of a fresh coat of paint, and came red cap in hand to the U.S. congress pleading for emergency funds. “I’m not asking for a bailout for myself,” he said, an old familiar twinkle in his eye. “What I need is an emergency loan of $12.6 billion to ensure Christmas comes for every boy and girl around the world who has, all things considered, been more nice than naughty this year.”

The old man — flanked by lawyers and financial advisors — was near tears as he rattled off the litany of woes swirling around his workshop at the rapidly melting North Pole. Normally stoic and unmoved by such displays of “failed business plans,” even most Senate Republicans were visibly moved as Santa educated them on the realities of bringing Christmas cheer to children around the globe.

“You may not be aware of this,” the old man said, hanging his head, “but reindeers, particularly at the North Pole, live quite a long time. Much longer than their strong little bodies can effectively pull a heavily-laden sleigh. Even though I still thrill anyone up late enough to hear my shouting ‘Now, Dasher; now, Dancer; now, Prancer and Vixen; on, Comet; on Cupid; on, Donner and Blitzen!’ the reality is this: the original Dasher, Dancer, et. al., have been dead for some time now. Their children are no longer with us either. But there are several generations of grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren who are still alive and eating me out of house and home. The legacy costs of pensions and healthcare for thousands of aging reindeer alone has added, on average, a 25 per cent premium on the cost of every doll, every train set, every toy I deliver.”

“Those so-called legacy costs,” drawled senator Barney Bellicose (R. Georgia), “are the result of sweetheart deals you signed with the International Sleigh Haulers Union, are they not?”

“I had no choice,” Santa replied. “A strike by the reindeer at Christmas would be devastating. Besides, what would you have me do with the thousands of reindeer who poured their heart into assuring children all over the world enjoyed Christmas?”

“Waaalll, offhand, I could suggest you might eat ’em,” replied the senator. “Cheaper than mollycoddling ’em in their old age. That’s how we handle things in my neck of the woods.”

Santa continued by describing how his legacy costs were further exacerbated by the staggeringly large numbers of retired elves. “You’d think there’s such joy in making toys for children that elves would be content to tinker away and die at their work benches. But Nooooooo! Even though we did away with mandatory retirement decades ago, wham, they hit 65 and it’s off to Florida to lie in the sun and suck back cheap beer, the fat little bastards.”

“If y’all ’ada been smarter,” interjected senator Ronnie Rougechapeau (R. Louisiana), “y’all woulda outsourced their unionized asses a long time ago. Them elves in India don’t even know what the blazes the word ‘retirement’ means. Let the ungrateful sunsabitches beg in the streets if they don’t wanna work.”

“If the senator will remember, I tried the outsourcing thing a few years back. Do the words ‘Poisoned Chinese Toys’ ring a bell, senator?”

“Hells bells, Santa, there are other countries in the world besides China with large pools of slave, er, cheap labour.”

“Look gentlemen, ladies, the fact is, Santa Inc is too big to fail. If I go down, Christmas goes down. What’s good for Santa is good for the country. We’re not just talking about one old man, a couple of hundred elves and several thousand aging reindeer. It is generally accepted that scores of millions of jobs worldwide depend on Christmas for a disproportionate percentage of their livelihood. You don’t want to face the wrath of the world’s children and those millions of unemployed retailers if there’s nothing under the tree on Christmas morning. Nobody wants that. Nobody can afford that! You can’t get re-elected on that record.”

After stating his case, Santa left with empty promises as the assembled congresspersons returned to their troughs for their annual Christmas party. With no decision in sight, president elect Obama promised to bump saving Santa to the top of his agenda. “It’s a nice gesture,” said Santa, “but January 21 st is a little late for Christmas this year. We’ll just have to see what happens. Maybe the EC will be willing.”

Early indications from Paris when French President Nicolas Sarkozy called an emergency meeting of the EC’s Cultural Committee were, however, not optimistic. “I don’t see how we can bail out Christmas without causing great acrimony within the Muslim communities of Europe,” he said.

And word from Tel Aviv that the Israeli government just passed a $2.3 billion bailout for Hanukkah only made the outlook for Christmas less than merry.

Reporters on the scene said Santa, as he climbed into his sleigh for the return trip to the North Pole, was heard to exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all… to all… oh screw it, I’m getting too old for this scene.”

Merry Christmas , er Happy Holidays.