Maxed Out 

A smell, like bad sushi


As a recent, and reluctant, convert to vegetarianism - full backsliding privileges in play, especially when the Canadian National BBQ Championships roll into Dusty's in August - I'm shocked, shocked at G-G Mikki Jean's pronouncement upon tasting a freshly-slaughtered seal's heart earlier this week. "It tastes like sushi," she's reported as saying. Sushi? I thought everything tasted like chicken. Whoda thunk.

The G-G, normally hip, urbane and über trendy, was being culturally sensitive and situationally appropriate on her official visit to Rankin Inlet, a place so off the beaten track in Canada's vast North that most Canadians would have better luck finding the long-buried, ancient cities of the Old Testament on an upside down map than pinpointing its location within a 500 km radius.

Truth be told, the G-G's actions were so of-the-moment they almost make me have nice thoughts about the antiquated office she's expected to hold for another year. The Queen's representative not only wolfed down a piece of the recently beating seal heart, she wielded an ulu like polar bear Dundee to help gut the sacrificial animal. I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out she'd called dibs on the pelt and was, as I write, busy pulling caribou gut through it to stitch a nice, warm pair of mitts to wear when she boxes the ears of the oh-so outraged.

Not unexpectedly, the outraged, the lunatic fringe of animal rights activists, have gone off their nut over this. Attempting to prove, once again, that mixing black and white yields, well, black and white as opposed to shades of grey, a PETA spokesman - name and general existence unimportant - is reported to have said, "The Canadian Governor-General's sick PR stunt is a predictable, if revolting, attempt to save a dying industry." It should be noted at this point the gentleman in question was speaking for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not the other PETA, People Eating Tasty Animals.

A protocol droid for Queen Elizabeth - the G-G's reputed bosswoman - tsk-tsked and suggested Mikki might receive a severe tongue lashing for her very un-viceregal attempt to show solidarity and provide spiritual succour to the Inuit. The Queen, reported to be dining on corgi culled from her domestic herd, replied, after being reminded which colony Canada was, "Sushi? We thought it tasted like chicken."

The G-G, for her part, simply smiled sardonically at the threatened verbal dressing down. "I'll be happy to hear anything they have to say. Then I'll just let my leetle friend do the talking for me ," she said, lovingly scraping hair from her forearm with her finely-honed ulu and giggling at the thought of personally delivering the protocol droid's tongue to Queen E in a robin's-egg blue Birks box.

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