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Imagination key to exposing Olympic farce

Are we excited? Of course we are. In less than 100 days the five-ring circus comes to town. People who bemoaned Whistler's lack of Olympic spirit fail to appreciate the numbing effects six years of foreplay can have on anybody's libido.

 

Are we excited? Of course we are. In less than 100 days the five-ring circus comes to town. People who bemoaned Whistler's lack of Olympic spirit fail to appreciate the numbing effects six years of foreplay can have on anybody's libido. Finally we've rounded third base. Hell yes we're excited; just hope we can remember what we're excited about.

Between now and Feb. 12, we've got a new season to enjoy. If the whoops of giddiness this weekend were any indication, we've been looking forward to it like a good kid looks forward to sittin' on Santa's lap and a bad kid looks forward to lying about what a good kid he's been. We've got a film festival to keep us in the dark and entertain us. We've got Christmas and New Year's and their accompanying parties to crash. We've got January's credit card hangover and detox sessions. Then, bam, climax city.

So little time; so many protests. How we gonna fit 'em all in?

Let's face it, we need protests. It would be a shame if the billion-dollar Olympic security was all for naught. I know, security guys always say things like, "We hope we don't need it" - presence, weapons, mass force - but deep down inside, they hope they do. They don't buy all those toys to just sit around lovingly caressing them on dark lonely nights. Not to say that's not a comforting thing to do; it just pales in comparison to actually watching a perp dance to the electric tune played by a Taser.

The boys in blue recently announced they'd acquired LRADs (Long Range Acoustical Device) to use during the Games. Kind of an iPod dock on steroids, the LRAD fires high-pitched noise at noisy crowds on its seek-and-destroy mode and acts like a high-powered bullhorn on its Effective Communication setting. A Vancouver PD spokesfolk said they'd just be using it to make sure police instructions were heard clearly.

In an age where we can clearly hear a pimped out Honda Civic's sound system coming down a crowded city street from four blocks away, it seems just a bit disingenuous to say you've bought a product that can make peoples' ears bleed just so they can hear you clearly. In literature, this is a classic example of Chekhov's gun - "One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it." Paraphrased in popular usage, a pistol hung on the wall in Act I is going to be fired in Act II.

It'll be difficult, in the heat of battle, to avoid flipping the switch from "talk" to "deafen". Though they claim they won't do it, VPD says jacking up the output to crowd control levels disorients protesters, can cause hearing damage and temporarily disrupts vision. I'm not certain in what other ways it differs from an ecstasy-fuelled rave but I suspect the VPD is downplaying its pain potential.

For example, American Technology Corp, its maker, says the "ruggedized" - no, I'm not making that up - little doodad can "transmit powerful deterrent tones to influence behavior in hostile situations" and will "extend the standoff and perimeter in friendly or escalated environments." I mean, with such glowing, if inane, descriptions how could you not be tempted to flip the switch?

This is, of course, reminiscent of the tactic used by the U.S. military to smoke out Manuel Noriega when he'd outlived his usefulness as dictator of Panama. The highlight of Operation Nifty Package - ain't making that one up either - was a Christmas day barrage of, surprise, Christmas music. I don't know about Manny but I'd surrender at the first bars of Little Drummer Boy . When that didn't work, the playlist expanded to include Twisted Sister, Black Sabbath, Guns & Roses and, ironically, Bruce Cockburn's If I Had a Rocket Launcher . Manny had several rocket launchers himself and was diggin' the Cancon once an aid explained the English lyrics to him but when the military fired up Styx he, understandably, surrendered.

Being the ghetto blaster days, Noriega was assaulted with speakers the size of grain silos mounted on Hummers the size of... Hummers. Fast forward to the iPod generation and the LRAD, by comparison, is about the size of a lunchbox.

Just how effective the device will be is a bit unclear. Seems if the intended targets are wearing earplugs, its effectiveness is diminished. Gee, I can't remember the last time I saw anyone wearing earplugs.

Security and protesters will always be a game of move, counter-move. The real problem though stems from protesters' lack of imagination. By and large, they're still stuck in the French Revolution mindset of storming the barricades. This is an ineffective strategy for several reasons, not the least of which is the police have outspent them about a billion to one and can beat the snot out of them at a whim.

More importantly, it pisses people they need to win over to their side off and misses the point. Protesters can't stop the Olympics; the best they can hope for is getting people to stop and think about what a farce the Games are. To be really effective, protests have to both make a statement and entertain.

For example, protesters lost a lot of sympathy when they disrupted the first day of the endless torch relay. It set their cause back and didn't accomplish anything. In keeping with both the Olympic and Whistler spirit, I suggest we try a different approach when the torch comes to town.

Some have commented on the ersatz resemblance of the 2010 torch design and a badly rolled joint. Point taken. Since very few of us will actually get to carry the torch, I think we can all join in, protestwise, and make our point by bringing our own torches, lighting them, holding them proudly aloft and running along with the Official Torch when it comes through town. The second-hand smoke should add to the festive atmosphere and make us all better snowboarders to boot, thank you Ross. As an added bonus, the weirdness of it will play well in the media and be far more memorable than the numbing, Games coverage.

There's room for creative, Whistlerized protest during the medals ceremonies as well. Staying true to our roots, this would involve some nekkidness. But convincing even hard-core Whistleratics to peel down on a cold February evening with nary a hot tub in sight takes more than a few torches of fortitude. But two dozen people "dressed" in flesh-coloured bodysuits - painted anatomically correct if comically exaggerated - streaking the ceremonies would be both disruptive and a surefire crowd/media pleaser. As a bonus, there's nothing illegal about it; we'll be fully clothed.

Just be sure to bring your earplugs... and keep your lawyer on speed dial.