Maxed out 

Searing answers to burning questions


Page 2 of 3

Superficially, it means he's cancelled the 20 days of parliamentary sessions that were due to be held between the hangover of the new year and the opening ceremony of Canada's last best chance to avoid national shame on a cosmic scale.

On a deeper, more personal level, it means the Doughboy has taken another step closer to realizing his life-long dream of becoming the fascist dictator of a failed democracy, a fractured country in name only and a frigid universe with Alberta as its maniacal centre. Put in a way more accessible to the sports-addled populace, Little Stevie's thrown a fit, taken his ball and gone home to beat off and dream of a majority government.

Sigh... we've seen him throw this tantrum before. Why, only a year ago as I recall, when the other boys he plays with decided to band together and unfriend him on their Facebook pages. They forgot it was his football then too. They also forgot Mikki Jean, besotted with the lingering effects of sealmeat poisoning, had lost all the accoutrements of her office save the oversized rubber stamp.

The Doughboy's embarrassed by the revelations that his government is down with torture. I don't know why. This should come as no surprise to anyone who's ever taken the time to listen to one of his speeches. If the Afghan security forces were smart, they'd lose the cattle prods, waterboards and jumper cables and simply make a DVD loop of Doughboy's speeches and play them over and over to anyone they want to torture. It'd destroy their enemies faster and not leave any visible marks.

Having put the mock in democracy, what, you ask, is the Canadian public doing about this blatant hijacking of parliament? Rising up with all the indignation coursing through their veins, they've... formed a Facebook page. Hey, it's winter. If Canadians are going to take to the streets, they're going to do it for something worthwhile. The Olympic torch relay, for example. Forming a Facebook page should, like, really be enough, you know.

Things would be different if Canada still had an opposition party. But they were prorogued themselves about five years ago.

Thanks for writing; see you at the opening ceremonies.


Dear Max:

Now that Dusty's has become a sports bar, at least as far as ski racing goes, will I be able to watch football and hockey there with the sound turned up?

Big Sport

Dear BS:

If you want to hear football, hockey games, or for that matter, Dr. Phil or Judge Judy, at Dusty's you'll have to be some combination of (a) an angry mob; (b) rich and important (self-important will do in a pinch but really important would be better) or (c) know a federal cabinet minister with nothing better to do with his time - which would be pretty much all of them now that Parliament's not sitting and Doughboy's making all decisions personally - than harass privately-owned businesses in response to rich and important people who complain about not being able to hear the colour commentary(sic) on ski races they already know the outcome of.

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