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Moms are all right

Mother's Day in the age of guilt

When you think about it, Mother's Day shouldn't have to exist. Mothers should feel appreciated every day for their hard work and sacrifices, for taking on the most thankless volunteer job on the planet with the most demanding of bosses. A day could never cover it, no matter how delicious the breakfast in bed, how nice the flowers and cards, how relaxing that one hour trip to the spa.

I never properly appreciated everything my mother did for me until I had a child of my own, witnessing the so-called "miracle" of childbirth firsthand, the 3 a.m. feeds, the trials and tribulations of caring for a newborn/toddler/infant/child from morning to night (and sometimes from night until morning).

Because we're a modern family with both parents working opposite shifts to pay the bills, I've also had to be a little bit of a mother myself since my daughter was born. As much as I do, I know that it could never be equal. I have no scars from the birth.  I didn't have to breast-feed. I didn't have to leave a job I liked. Even now, when three-year-old Elly falls over, she still wants her mom - probably because she needs hugs and sympathy, a female specialty, as opposed to the male approach that generally involves sucking it up, getting back on your feet and being more careful next time.

Most importantly, I also don't have to deal with the cult of motherhood that's making it so hard to be a mom these days, with all the conflicting advice and all the guilt that's shovelled onto the bent backs of mothers that are really doing the best they can.

At Pique , we originally talked about doing a Mother's Day story about Whistler's super moms, those amazing women who have three kids, run businesses, volunteer for boards and non-profits and still manage to run marathons on the side. They do exist. And they're super. But the reality is that most moms are having a good day if they can find five minutes for themselves.

And yet, despite the love and sacrifice, many moms will go to bed feeling guilty tonight, like they haven't done enough for their children or their families.

Part of it has to do with super moms - every mother knows another mother who makes it look easy, or has a kid who's a total prodigy that they feel they have to measure up to. But a lot of the pressure and guilt comes from modern culture, ironically-named "self-help" books, well-meaning but often conflicting advice and our own experiences as children that we do our best to replicate even though it's a very different world out there.

 

It starts before your child is even born

My wife and I went to prenatal classes, hoping to learn some breathing techniques and get a few tips. Instead, we got a two-day lecture on why natural births are always best, on why you shouldn't use painkillers during birth, why you absolutely have to breast-feed (and for two full years) because your child won't be happy or healthy if you don't. One woman in the class, already scheduled for a C-section because she couldn't have a natural birth, actually started crying.

We read a lot of books; we took reams of advice - some of it good - and went into labour with the best intentions before we eventually had to go for an emergency C-section after an epidural painkiller. The breast-feeding went okay (one year only) but we know other families that never managed it despite repeated attempts and visits from specialized nurses - and were pretty upset about it, even if it wasn't their fault. Because of their prenatal classes they really felt like they were failing their child.

But the only advice that seemed to matter after Elly was born came from a nice nurse at Squamish Hospital, as we agonized over whether or not to try and calm her with a soother - something else the so-called experts recommend against. "There are only two things you need to know," she said, "love your child, and don't drop her on her head."

Thank goodness for common sense.

 

Motherhood has changed, except for the expectations

A Statistics Canada study from December 2010 found that almost 65 per cent of women with children under the age of three are working, or twice as many as in 1976. For moms with kids under the age of 16, some 73 per cent are in the workforce. Some seven out of 10 part-time workers are moms.

Once upon a time it only took one wage earner, typically the father, to maintain a middle class lifestyle. Moms could stay at home and raise the children for one year or five years or forever. That all changed in the last three decades as the cost-of-living has increased while wages have not.

In the 1970s, only 30 per cent of families had two incomes. Today it's over 70 per cent.

What's more, according to the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, Canadians are working more hours than ever before - an average of 200 more hours per year, or five additional work weeks, than a decade ago.

Yet, despite all the statistics that show how much the world has changed, mothers are still under the same pressure to be homemakers, to get the laundry done and folded, to get dinner on the table, to handle the majority of child-rearing duties, to be Martha Stewart or Gwyneth Paltrow or Jessica Seinfeld, to meet the definition of motherhood that they grew up with.

Most husbands will pitch in and try to even up the load, but the pressure is still there. And the guilt.

Meanwhile, various organizations are continually publishing oh-so-helpful studies that tell you that you need to read to your child so many books, sing so many songs and play these particular games every single day or you'll wind up with an unhappy, maladjusted or less than brilliant child. They'll tell you that all television is bad; that your child has to eat certain organic whole foods (many of which they probably won't like) and sleep so many hours in the afternoon and night. You're supposed to play classical music and Mozart all the time, even if you'd rather listen to reggae.

That's kind of hard to do when you're busy, when you have two children, when your kids are in daycare all day because you need to work to keep food on the table and a roof over your head.

And so we get working mothers' guilt, a very real phenomenon where moms think they're not doing enough to nurture their children. One survey by the Pew Research Center found that only 10 per cent of mothers working full-time gave themselves the highest rating for parenting. For part-time mothers the number was just 24 per cent.

But while the guilt is real, it's also misplaced. The reality according to studies is that stay-at-home mothers are just as stressed. They can't wait to go back to work and regain some independence even if they don't need the money.

And the jury is still out on if, and how, two working parents affect children, but in a sense the research is irrelevant anyway because it's happening. In most cases, both parents work because they have to - it's not a choice. Moms do the best they can in the situation and their kids are going to be okay. (And no different than 75 per cent of their peers raised under the same circumstances).

So why feel guilty about it?

 

Advice worth ignoring

One of the hot books this year was Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, a first-hand account of her overbearing, overachieving relationship with her daughter. The premise is that the world is tough and you need to be hard on your children for them to succeed - an ancient Chinese secret apparently.

The timing of the book came shortly after an article in MacLean's magazine about white students choosing universities with smaller Asian populations because they'd rather have some fun at college instead of spending every second studying. The article also looks at it from the other side, and the aggressive way that Asian parents select schools and monitor their adult children from frosh week to final exams.

These pieces, as well as the general rise of China and India as economic superpowers, have instilled a fear that western nations are going to get eaten alive unless western nations can replicate the work ethic of other cultures - which apparently means brow-beating your children to get top grades, get into top schools and then into high-paying professional careers.

That's right - to be a good mom by Amy Chua's standards, you have to be a bad guy. It's not enough to love your child, you have to hover over them and stick their noses to the grindstone or they won't go anywhere in life. But who has time to do that? Or even wants to?

People were shocked, or pretended to be, by Tiger Mom and the replies have been swift. "Elephant Mothers" which are the opposite of tiger mothers, are the next big thing apparently and we can probably expect the book shortly.

Meanwhile, a quick browse in the parenting section of Amazon.ca reveals about 111,115 titles. The list of current best sellers includes "How To Talk So Kids Listen," "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More," and "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."

You could probably read a book a week if you wanted to, and by the end it's a good bet you'd be a lot more confused than when you started.

The bottom line is that there isn't one single way to raise a child so they'll be happy/healthy/successful. Bill Gates didn't have a Tiger Mom. He didn't even graduate from high school.

It's up to mothers to find their own way. Read the occasional book if you need the advice, but take it with a grain of salt - chances are you can find another book that says the exact opposite thing without looking too hard.

 

Happy Mother's Day

While popular culture has ensured that it's harder and more thankless to be a mother than ever before, it's comforting to know that the basics of motherhood haven't changed, the loving, the teaching, the nurturing. There's no one specific way to raise a child despite what some people might tell you, as long as your intentions are good.

So thanks moms, for everything.

Thanks for sewing up the tears on teddy bears, the buttons back on jackets. Here's to getting us up in the morning, fed, dressed and out the door. Here's to getting on the phone to register us for swim classes and hockey. Here's to letting us make a mess with paints and playdough, and for helping us clean it up afterwards. Here's to Band-Aids on boo-boos and goodnight hugs; for years of good advice that, while we sometimes ignored it, was almost always right.

And thanks, with all the things you had/have to juggle, for not dropping us on our heads.

 

 



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