Movies column 

Movie theatre etiquette

Time for school people, today’s lesson: Movie Theatre Etiquette, How To Avoid Being Regulated Or Shanked In The Throat.

Lesson one: Don’t talk during the movie.

Lesson two: Don’t talk during the movie. Don’t talk during the opening credits, don’t talk at all. Shut your hole and watch the movie; you paid for it. Some people take movies very seriously. Do I come and yap in your ear when you’re reading a book or when you’re in bed screwing? No. So please, I implore you, don’t talk during the movie. Talking during the previews is bad enough, but I’ll let that slide because I’m a nice guy.

Lesson three: When you walk into a nearly empty theatre, don’t sit in front of someone and ruin their view. You’ll get yelled at if you’re lucky, smacked if you’re not.

Lesson four: After the movie, just take your garbage right out with you and chuck it in the bin that’s conveniently placed two inches outside the theatre door. Yes, I know they hire people to clean up but imagine how happy those people would be if just once the theatre was already clean? Seriously, don’t be so lazy, help a person out once in a while. All right, I’m glad we had this talk. Class dismissed.

Opening at the Village Eight this week is Gothika , starring Oscar-winner Halle Berry as a brilliant criminal psychiatrist who, one night, encounters a creepy female ghost and wakes up three days later in a world of shit. Apparently she’s killed her husband and is locked up in the same psycho prison she works at. Of course everyone thinks she’s crazy and no one will listen. Isn’t it ironic?

The movie, directed by Mathieu Kassovitz, is stylistically and technically sound. Cool editing techniques and special effects work to enforce the theme of science versus the supernatural. The acting is good, Penelope Cruz delivers as a nutcase who claims to be routinely raped by the devil. And not as good, Halle Berry cries and bags on plexi-glass a lot. Gothika borrows ideas from almost all the best horror movies and although the story gets worse as it goes, the end result contains at least a few startling moments. Worth it, I guess.

Also dropping this week is Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat starring nobody you really care about and Mike Myers as, The Cat. Myer’s is hit and miss, So I Married an Axe Murderer ? Hit. The stupid, sappy, and simply crappy View from the Top ? Miss. He seems to recycle a lot of his comedy and hope no one notices. Sometimes it works, but not this time. There are funny bits in this movie – there’s so many jokes that some have to work – but the zany, rhythmic brilliance of Dr. Seuss’ original story simply isn’t here. Just a flashy set design, some comedic improv, and not much else. All in all, The Cat… is kind of neutered.

At Village 8: Gothika, Love Actually, Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, Brother Bear, Elf, Looney Tunes, Kill Bill, Matrix Revolutions, Master and Commander. Starting Nov. 26: The Haunted Mansion, Timeline, The Missing.

At Rainbow Theatre: School of Rock, Beyond Borders.

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