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Notes from the back row.

Shiny happy people Once again it’s time for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to hand out their shiny gold statuettes.

Shiny happy people

Once again it’s time for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to hand out their shiny gold statuettes. Not so much about movies as who’s wearing the latest ruby-encrusted, million-dollar, tracing paper gown, the Oscars are, in fact, a waste of time. It’s ridiculous that the average person will complain about the length of a three-hour movie yet happily watch four hours of famous people walking down a carpet and giving the same dumb speeches. It’s a fashion show.

But I held an Oscar once (they’re heavier than they look) and I can see how actually winning one would be sort of neat. Other than that I’d just as rather save myself four hours of sensationalist crap and read about it the next day.

Nevertheless, as a film critic it’s my duty to make Oscar predictions so here they are. Please bare in mind I’ve only seen about half the movies nominated and there’s a bunch of categories I either don’t know or care enough about to cover. Aside from that, the winners are…

The Lord of the Rings

for Best Visual Effects, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Costume, Best Make-up, and Best Art Direction. Judge the whole trilogy as one movie and start heaping on the awards. No one pays much attention to these categories anyhow. Director Peter Jackson should also win Best Director, because really, can you imagine how much bloody work it must have been to be the one guy in charge of making an eight hour movie, set in a land that doesn’t exist, based on a three-thousand page book, with thousands of extras and nine main characters, three of whom are supposed to look two feet shorter than they actually are?

Finding Nemo

— Best Animated Feature. If I found Nemo I’d make sushi. This movie sucked, except for the weed-smoking turtle.

City of God —

Best Cinematography. If you haven’t heard of this one it’s because it’s two years old, was made in Brazil and totally rules. Director Fernando Meirelles crafted an amazingly beautiful yet savage film about Rio de Janeiro street youth killing each other, for lack of anything else to do. This one is out on DVD right now so go get it.

Ken Watanabe — Best Supporting Actor, The Last Samurai. Watanabe upstages Tom Cruise (admittedly not that hard to do) and brings a strong sense of honour and the samurai way to this film. It’s about time the Academy starts recognizing that the American film industry can benefit from fine actors of other nationalities. Samurai are so cool.

Renee Zellweger — Best Supporting Actress, Cold Mountain. This movie sucked so much it will actually help Renee win. She stands out as the only decent part.

Bill Murray — Best Actor, Lost in Translation. No one could have played this part better and it’d be nice to see the academy take a chance instead of going the safe route and giving it to Sean Penn.

Charlize Theron — Best Actress, Monster . It’s nice to see a beautiful girl get ugly once in a while, and Charlize does just that, both physically and emotionally.

Lost in Translation

— Best Picture. The cool thing about this movie is that lots of people found it boring and the rest agree that, in fact, it’s incredibly funny, wry, simple, subtle and emotionally stimulating. You either get it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you suck. Go watch Cold Mountain again and think about how un-hip you are. Ha Ha.

Lord of the Rings

could have won best picture too but I think it’s better to be underwhelmed by a small simple masterpiece that tenderly enlightens than be overwhelmed by an epic so huge, complex, and well done you have no choice but to love it.

Enough. Let’s forget about the Oscars and move on to more important things. Kill Bill 2 is now slated for release on April 16. Meanwhile, the best movie playing this week is Ginger Snaps 2:Unleashed. It’s about Brigitte, a female teenage werewolf who needs to (gasp) do drugs (monkshood root) to stave off transformation. This lands her in a rehab clinic where, misunderstood and promising bloody mayhem, Briggite starts to turn into a furry killer. All the while being stalked by another werewolf who wants to mate. Nifty premise eh? Add in a group masturbation scene (they call it therapy), a bunch of guts, not enough blood, and some witty dialogue and you’ve got a winner, made in Canada too.

Both Ginger Snaps movies are praised as figurative tales about girls and their inner demons and while this one doesn’t pack the same intellectual punch as the first (a metaphor linking menstration with transformation into a monster) it’s still well worth checking out.

At Village 8 Feb. 27-March 4: Twisted, Welcome to Mooseport, Last Samurai, Along Came Polly, Lord of the Rings, Monster, 50 First Dates, Miracle, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, The Passion of the Christ.

At Rainbow Theatre Feb. 27-March 4: Something’s Gotta Give, Ginger Snaps 2 .