(With apologies to Clement C. Moore)
’Twas the week before Christmas
And all through the suite
Not a creature was stirring
(Our hamsters being deceased)
The stockings are hung by the TV with care
(We don’t have a fireplace, chimney or flare)
But we still hope that St. Nick (or a proxy)
Soon will be there
We decided not to bother with a tree this Yule season
Space is so tight and the needles displeasing
A poinsettia and basil plant will take the tree’s place
If we remember to water them, I doubt it, but hey…
We’re not greedy, but needy and for so many things
New skis and new snowboards and a bed that has springs
We’ve been ever so good, and ever so nice
Here’s hoping St. Nick doesn’t check his list twice
There I was all snug in my crappiest of beds
Visions of early Christmas deadlines dancing in my head
Tami in her jammies and me in my gitch
Settled down to try and sleep for a stretch
When outside of my window there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter
False alarm, for what I heard was not Rudolph’s hoof
But rain melting ice chunks from off of the roof
It rained all day long, all the way up to the peak
A pineapple express and global warming sneak peek
By the next morning it froze until it was harder than glass
Edges had to be sharp or you’d fall on your ass
The Holiday stress is building with one week to go
And I still need to buy presents for Mom in T.O.
I haven’t forgotten, but I know that I’m toast
If I don’t meet the deadline at Canada Post
A girlfriend to buy for and I have no ideas
Always visitors coming who just have to see ya
Some last minute shopping looms large in my brain
A waste because my gifts are almost always exchanged
The holidays also mean that I’m working late shifts
So’s most of Whistler, we’re so full-up with guests
One of the sacrifices you make to live in the hills
Like selling your fillings to pay off your bills
What is Christmas anyway in these times
But crass commercialism dressed up to the nines
Family and friends are important, but I have to scoff
If there’s 12 days to Christmas how come I get just one off?
Scrooge though I am I still love this Yule stuff
And I’ll spend like I’m Trump (before he went bankrupt)
They’ll be presents and cookies and Christmas-sy cheer
And I’ve been Blitzen a little bit early this year
And I’ll wake up on Christmas feeling fat and content
Glad to have all my family and friends
They can’t all be near, but it’s still kind of pleasant
And on the bright side I’ll save money on presents
But I still have a long winter week to get through
With so little time and just so much to do
There’s phone calls to make and dry goods to accrue
And time management has never been my strong suit
Like Bing all I ask for is a Christmas that’s white
A few inches of snowfall to make things all right
And maybe a quick shot of Bailey’s or something with bite
To make Christmas merry for all and for me a good night.
