Pique n' your interest 

The Bong Show

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I don’t want to lose the house I’m in, or see anyone else get forced out because of Whistler-style inflation and the sad fact that even the good landlords out there can’t afford to rent their places at reasonable rates anymore. The fact that our landlord gets regular calls from real estate agents promising him a huge payday isn’t helping matters either.

It strikes me that the only reason we’re still here is because of the endless building and annoying bong, bong, bong at the Nita Lake Lodge site – it’s hard to sell a house for 10 times its real-world value when it’s located in the middle of a construction site. Homeowners are waiting until Creekside is finished before cashing in.

What can we do about it? Personally, I think it’s time to trash the place, making it as unattractive as possible to home buyers and developers. Whistler is revered for its beauty and the tranquility of the mountains – we can shatter both if we all work together.

For example, every home could have a Winnebego, and a couple of broken down cars, sleds, appliances and motorbikes parked in the driveway.

Whenever possible, residents should be on their front porches barbecuing, listening to heavy metal music, and drinking beer. Shirts and shoes should come off during the summer, and we should all stop trimming our hair and beards. It’s time to hillbilly the neighbourhood up a bit.

We already have a lot of dogs in Creekside, but we could always use a few more. Big, mean looking mutts work the best, but as long as they know they’re supposed to growl at strangers in Lexuses and bark all night any dogs will do.

Massive house and backyard parties are always a good way to keep the people who come up here for rest and relaxation awake and annoyed. There will be a few noise complaints, yes, and the police will be called in from time to time, but that could work to our advantage in the long run – how badly do you want to live in one of those neighbourhoods you see on COPS? If you get a ticket or a fine, you can always throw another kegger to pay it off.

Creekside is also blessed with a number of musicians, including some drummers. They should be encouraged to drink heavily and jam for hours at a time, exploring their freeform jazz roots with the volume cranked to 11.

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