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Pique n' your interest

So many issues to resolve and only one column to do it in

I started off this week writing a column about lift lines, powder days and how nobody seems to care about proper etiquette these days. I was going to talk about how the thin veneer of civilization is being pulled away as people butt in and merge improperly, and how we are one well-deserved ski pole in the derriere away from total chaos.

Then I started to write about this Atkins fad, and the insanity of any diet that forces your body to feed off the energy you have stored in your fat cells to keep you functioning. I was going to go into detail about the various objections that most dieticians and nutritionists have, about a new study that shows how safe weight loss is possible with high carb diets of whole foods like brown rice and apples, and about the general insanity of people believing that fast food can be healthy if it’s mostly meat. There are also some rather important ecological implications of a high-protein diet, and the fact that we are going to have to start producing more and more meat to feed Atkins disciples. That topic will have to wait for another time.

I also started a column about the corruption in the Canadian government through a federal sponsorship program, and how that pales in comparison to the deceptions south of the border regarding the war, 9/11, taxes, the deficit and the environment.

Other topics abandoned this week include:

• A realistic look at what Whistler could be doing to fill hotel rooms, giving up on our world class pretensions for a little while to embrace average families on budgets;

• A kinder, more politically correct title for ski bums to do for mountain people what the term "sanitation engineers" did for garbage men;

• A blow by blow account of what I would have done with that $32.5 million Super 7 Jackpot;

• A hilarious look at Valentine’s Day – the cruelty of children, the banality of gifts, and new sayings for those little candy hearts that taste like soap;

• The Super Bowl halftime show, and how I was outraged that I was so busy with my seven-layer dip that I missed the grand unveiling of Janet Jackson’s breast. How was Jackson’s pastie worse than Pink’s nipple tape-up job in her Just Like a Pill video, Britney’s new video where she’s covered in diamonds, or any video with Christina Aguilera in it? And why is this issue more important to Americans than war, taxes, the deficit, the environment, etc.;

• Mattel’s strange decision to break up Ken and Barbie after more than 40 years, her new Australian boogie-boarding boyfriend, and what young girls are supposed to learn from this.

As you can see there were lots of good choices for columns this week, but in the end I decided to go with the issue that’s of critical national importance – rule changes and the start of a new collective bargaining agreement in the NHL.

I know. I’m worried too.

First, let’s look at the rule changes that the general managers are proposing to "make the game" more exciting to lukewarm southerners who still refer to the sport as "ice hockey".

Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the game. There are a lot of ties, yes, but nothing five more minutes of four-on-four overtime couldn’t resolve. There are still lots of blowouts, and tight games – especially games that are tied into the third period – are more exciting to watch.

Some rule changes look okay. The tag-up offside rule change would keep the game flowing as players are given a sporting chance to get back onside before the whistle stops the game.

I don’t like the idea of moving the net back three feet, giving the offensive team more room to score. Where would Gretzy have been if the area behind the net, which he called "the office", was made into a cubicle? Behind the net is where the hits happen, goals are set up, and defencemen regroup – take it away and all the excitement goes out of the game for the people with tickets at either end of the rink. A smaller area back there will result in more injuries, more fights and more boring goals – a slapshot is less exciting to watch than a wrap-around.

A rule that would make it illegal for goalies to handle the puck behind their own nets is ridiculous. I agree that it’s not fair that goalies can’t be body checked, but some goalies are good at puck-handling – the league wants to increase the number of goals, but take away the goalies’ ability to set up offensive plays?

Another rule the goalies won’t like is making the pads two inches smaller in width. This could be a good idea, but only if they get rid of those composite sticks at the same time – as long as those sticks are in the game, goalies need all the padding they can get.

Other rule changes being considered including giving teams three points for a win, using wider blue lines, and increasing rink sizes. The three-point idea might be good way to reduce the number of ties, but it assumes that the players are too lazy to try for two points. Wider blue lines might work, but it’s going to look weird. Bigger rinks are a pipe-dream, because the last thing owners want to do is to lose paying seats.

The collective bargaining agreement is also worrisome, and a lock out or strike looks inevitable. The NHL owners say they are losing money and have a new financial report to prove it. The NHL Players Association says the owners started this salary mess, and that they are under-reporting their income – there’s no way, they say, that they will accept a salary cap.

In the NFL and NBA, player salaries account for just over 60 per cent of revenues. In the NHL, it’s closer to 75 per cent. That’s a big difference you can bet the owners and players feel strongly about.

Enjoy the rest of this season, because there may not be another one next year.