Skip to content
Join our Newsletter

Pique n yer interest

Patents Pending
andrewbyline

By Andrew Mitchell

Let me start off by saying I’m no Ben Franklin with his fancy kite and key or Thomas Edison with his 1,093 patents. I’ve never actually invented anything, except for a few nicknames that stuck, and wouldn’t know where to begin filing a patent application if I ever wanted to take one of my ideas to the next level.

That admitted, it’s fair to say that I’ve invented literally thousands of products over my life, usually at a time when I could use a little help with something but the exact thing I need doesn’t exist. I’m always envisioning better ways to do to things, refreshingly unburdened with any design or engineering credentials.

Sometimes, if I feel an idea has promise, I’ll write it down somewhere and file it away with all my other valuable scraps of paper, like unclaimed tax receipts from 1998 and the chord pattern to Pearl Jam’s Corduroy. One day I’ll get around to memorizing that song…

Now, with the advent of two new television shows where inventors can go to showcase their ideas — American Inventor on ABC and the far better Dragons’ Den on CBC — I’ve been inspired to blow the dust off my archives, roll up my sleeves, and patent one idea. The trouble is, which one do I patent?

(Disclaimer: Just by writing and publishing these ideas I’m afforded some copyright protection. As far as you know, all ideas presented are patent-pending, and any attempts to steal my ideas will result in swift legal action and a brick through your front window.)

Crowbars — A nuclear physicist I know has assured me this idea won’t work, but the basic idea is to change the way bike pedals are positioned. Instead of anchoring them directly the spindle of the bottom bracket, I would offset the slightly bent pedals on either side of the spindle to create crowbar-type leverage. For one thing, I think it would help my climbing when I come to a stop between pedal strokes, while allowing for the added leverage of a slightly longer pedal that doesn’t feel longer. For another, I think the design would allow you to put more power into your downstroke instead of pushing against the spindle when you’re at the top of the pedal rotation. Again, I’ve been presented with mathematical drawings depicting all the problems with this idea, but I choose to be optimistic.

Shapeless toilets — I hate cleaning, and despise cleaning the toilet. All those nooks and crannies around the back of the seat, those knobs that hold the toilet to the floor, reaching around the back to wipe up that grungy stuff you hope is just a water stain… Gross. My idea is to make toilets easier to clean by backing all the porcelain right back to the wall, and making the surfaces flat from the top of the bowl down to the floor. I’d also change the seat anchoring system so there are easy to clean gaps.

Refrigerator motor muffler — The loudest appliance in any house I’ve lived in has always been the fridge. It fades into the background noise during the day, but in the dead of night, when everything is as silent as can be, my fridge motor sounds like a jet taking off. Since the really expensive models you can build into your wall are too big and expensive for most people, the easiest thing to do would be to create a muffler and vibration dampening system around the motor housing.

Friends Only Networking — Everything is cheaper in bulk, including software and computer hardware. What if you could chip in with a bunch of friends (or business associates) and buy a massive computer server, load it with licensed copies of productivity software, games, music, and movies, hook it up to the highest speed internet connection available, and charge your friends and associates a monthly rate to create your own private Intranet/Internet. Obviously the server would still connect to the outside world through a secure and fast connection, but through the Intranet you’d be able to access all kinds of software you couldn’t afford on your own, play online games with your friends and your friends only, and share music, video and other content without fear of it getting out on the web. Could this idea actually work? I have no idea.

Double Decker Dishwasher — Use your clean dishes in the top drawer, and when they’re dirty place them to the bottom drawer. When the bottom drawer is full, press “clean”. Use the clean dishes in the bottom drawer, and when they’re dirty place them in the top drawer for cleaning. Repeat. This idea is for people with a limited number of dishes and limited cupboard space.

Screwdriver Cloth — I tend to strip a lot of screws, usually because I’m trying to budge a 5/16” screw with a 1/4” screwdriver or something like that. While trying to loosen a screw a little while ago that I had pretty much stripped, I decided to stick the hem of my T-shirt over the damaged screw before applying the screwdriver to fill in the gaps, and it turned with no problem. It did however rip a hole in my T-shirt. I would sell strips of very thin, very durable material — someone would have to tell me what — to handymen to help them get a better grip on stripped screws.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve got hundreds of other ideas just like it that I’ll probably never put into action. Still, patent pending.