Say goodbye to a simple man 

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Deep down, I'm just a simple man. I favour ice-cold pale ale on a hot summer day. I like a thin slice of cheddar on my sandwich — roast turkey with just a little mustard. Volvos are my ideal car. I'd love to own a tractor one day and harvest grains or whatever it is you use tractors for.

And I prefer simple good byes. I've never been fond of the misty-eyed moments, bidding emotional Adieu!'s and such. There's nothing quite like a simple "See ya 'round" to mark such an occasion, even if I never, ever see you again.

This is my final issue at Pique, and (probably) the final time you'll be subjected to my "opinions" in this here column. Rather than exit with some rousing parting shots, I'll leave you to ponder this simple yet very important question:

Would you rather be super beautiful but really stupid, or really ugly but super smart?

At the risk of diminishing the rhetorical possibilities of this compelling and vital query, which I'm sure will inspire rousing debates within all your peer groups for months to come, I'll argue that the answer is, quite literally, a no-brainer: pretty but dumb is the way to go.

I'm telling you this so you don't have to think about it, and you can go on watching Basketball Wives undisturbed: Beauty pays. Average people look at beautiful people and become obsessed with how much they want to be just like them, and wear pretty dresses like them, and ride in limousines, and touch the abdominal muscles of their equally splendid lovers who were recently photographed sporting new hairstyles and are now, like, super-important style icons because they're on the cover of In Touch this week.

And, sure, average people become obsessed with really ugly people too, but rather than being uplifted by such radiance, they're barfing a little because warts are gross and so are braces.

Don't you get it? Gorgeous people can walk into a room and make a million dollars just by batting their eyes the right way, because the fashion industry has lots of money and really respects beautiful people and wants to help them achieve greatness in the world. And, sure, super geniuses can make lots of money by, like, inventing new cheese-slicers and apple-core removers, but what does it matter when you're plagued with all the back hair of an orangutan, and the face of one, too?

It's scientific fact that appallingly stupid people are the happiest because they're buoyed by their unrelenting ignorance.

(Editor's note: The science behind ignorant bliss is questionable, but we will offer as proof of this point the episode of Jersey Shore where Deanna was too drunk to notice that her dress had ridden up high enough for the whole bar — and thus, the whole world — to became rudely acquainted with her lady bits, while she happily danced the early afternoon away.)

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