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Mr. Gord Nixon CEO, Royal Bank Gold Towers, Toronto Dear Gord: Sorry about the gas I passed; spring radishes always have that effect on me. Of course, I didn't realize you were right behind me.
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Mr. Gord Nixon

CEO, Royal Bank

Gold Towers, Toronto

Dear Gord:

Sorry about the gas I passed; spring radishes always have that effect on me. Of course, I didn't realize you were right behind me. If you'd have let me know, I might have been more discrete.

But it does raise an interesting point, doesn't it? Pardon the acronym but WTF are you doing back there anyway? You're hiding? From what? Oh, your own duplicity. Well, listen Gord — you don't mind if I call you Gord, do you? You always seemed to want to foster that just-one-of-the-boys image, soften your million-dollar-a-month reality of being CEO of Canada's largest bank — I'd just as soon you didn't hide behind me. I think it's kind of, how should I put this, chickenshit. Yes, that seems like the best term.

You see, I do own shares of Royal Bank stock. Got some of them when I worked there, picked up a few more along the way. Nice stock for the most part, love the dividends, helps offset the sting of service fees and such. But here's the point, Gord. When you, or your PR hacks — more about them later — talk about doing things like screwing over Canadian workers on behalf of your shareholders, I'm wondering which shareholders you're talking about. Certainly not me. Nor quite a few others I know either.

Don't get me wrong, Gord. I'm all for increasing shareholder value. But, frankly, there are good ways to do that and there are bad ways. A good way is to, for example, not make bad loans like the bank did back in the day when the International Division, the one I worked for, thought you couldn't go wrong lending money to Brazil. Boy, that took a long time to work out, didn't it? Oh yeah, that was before your time. I forgot, you parachuted in from Dominion Securities and brought your trader mentality with you, not that there's anything wrong with that.

By contrast, a bad way of increasing shareholder value is to throw Canadians out of work and send the work they used to do to, say, India. Not to put you on the spot, Gord, but how much did the Royal Bank make last year out of their operations in India? Zero? Yeah, that's what I thought. Not a lot of depositors in India, are there? Not a lot of Indians doing business with RBC Capital Markets or Direct Investing? Not lots of mortgages, service fees, RRSPs?

So, Gord, when you and your lackeys say you're screwing over your workers by — did I really hear this right? — forcing them to train their offshore replacements who will do their job for a fraction of what they're making and then put them out of the same job they just trained them to do — and then you have the stones to say you're doing it to enhance shareholder value, well, I'm one shareholder who calls bullshit. Getting too scatological, Gord? Sorry 'bout that but it's how you're making me feel. I'm not enough of a shitheel to do that to anyone and, frankly, I'm surprised you are.

I don't need you to enhance my stock value at that price. I'd much rather you cut your own obscene remuneration package and that of most of the bank's executive. I'd much rather you do it by doing good business in an ethical way and avoid doing bad business. I'd much rather you do it by helping Canadians save for their retirement, buy their dream homes, put their kids through school and help build their communities.

What's that? It wasn't Royal Bank who displaced — nice euphemism, old chap — those workers? It was a subcontractor? Oh, well, pardon my mistake. Can I use that one, Gord? If I were to, let's see, hire a hit man to kill someone, can I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Hey, I didn't kill him; it was a subcontractor. I just told him to solve my problem, nudge-nudge, wink-wink."

So, you hired iGate to "outsource" your tiresome, overpaid IT workers and exactly how they did it was no longer your concern? Wow, must be nice to just hire someone to do your dirty work and then turn around and say, "I'm shocked. Shocked, to find outsourcing going on around here!"

Whatever happened to that whole, "The buck stops here," mentality, Gord? How's that? You've hired someone to be responsible when the caca hits the fan? The only bucks stopping are the 12 million or so that stop in your bank account last year? Why not? For what you get paid I guess you can afford to hire someone else to clean up messes and take the blame.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of hiring someone else to take the heat, I'm thinking you might want to hire someone other than the bank's PR people who've been making this whole mess worse every time they open their mouths. In fact, if I were you, I'd seriously think about outsourcing the PR department. They are not doing you any favours this week and it might very well be to your advantage if no one could understand their accent when they're called for clarification.

Fact is, Gord, I really think you've done more this week to diminish my shareholder value than improve it. You've pissed off lots of people who are threatening to take their business elsewhere. You've pissed off the Harpercrits by forcing them to admit they got caught doing what they do best — helping their corporate pals screw what I'm sure they too refer to as "the little people."

And worst of all, you've taken another imperial step toward killing the middle class. In your race to the bottom, you've underscored the time and money all those new IT graduates have wasted learning the skills of the future. By continuing the outsourcing dance, you've debased their skills to the $15/hour level of their Indian counterparts. There goes their shot at the rapidly dwindling Canadian Middle Class.

You know, it doesn't take a Marxist to see where this class war is inevitably leading, Gord. Don't know who you're counting on to be Royal Bank's customers in the future but by impoverishing formerly good, middle class jobs, you're just driving new customers to the cheque cashing sharks and away from the bank.

Come again? Doesn't matter? By then you'll be retired, have moved your millions offshore, secure behind a well-guarded, heavily-gated community? Well, I guess I can only hope you hide that dough in a nice, safe bank, say in Cyprus.

In closing, Gord, just got to say this isn't your, or Leo's, finest moment. In fact, you may just nudge Mr. Harper out for the Douchebag of the Week award this week.

Congratulations and all best wishes,

- Max