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You 'can either stand with us or with the child pornographers.'

Oh, what a vile and pernicious person I've become. More troubling still, I didn't even know I'd particularly changed. Not long ago, the things I feared most about growing older had to do with losing whatever mental faculties I could lay claim to.
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Oh, what a vile and pernicious person I've become. More troubling still, I didn't even know I'd particularly changed.

Not long ago, the things I feared most about growing older had to do with losing whatever mental faculties I could lay claim to. Thoughts of Alzheimer's mortified me whenever I couldn't find my keys, wallet, grocery list, or sense of humour. The sense of humour thing really scared me because I vividly recall a brain study a decade or so ago that found men's brains shrink as we age, leaving us more and more humourless and, if possible, even dumber than we'd been most of our lives, two conditions that would render me incapable of making even a meager living.

But now, in rapid succession, seemingly overnight, I've awakened to discover I'm a traitor to my adopted country, a radical environmental terrorist and now — horrors — a child pornographer... or at least someone who stands alongside them, perhaps peeking over their shoulders at the disgusting, salacious pictures I must now find somehow irresistible.

What next?

If I'd have known Harpo's Conservative star chamber was going to get so personal maybe I'd have voted for John Weston. I mean, I can imagine voting for him. If his opponent had been a traitorous, radical terrorist, kiddie pornographer I would have considered voting Conservative, at least until I found out I was one too.

The Cons think I'm a Taliban sympathizer and traitor because I hoped they'd treat Afghan detainees the way Canada — the old Canada — agreed to when it signed on to the Geneva Conventions. They figure I'm a radical environmental terrorist because I favour the old school rule of law that suggests we hold open, transparent, unbiased public hearings before we sell what's left of our souls and ethical oil to Chinese energy companies. And now, because I believe in that same, outdated rule of law and something as quaint as due process, I stand foursquare with kiddie pornsters. I expect any day now I'm going to start kicking crutches out from under aging pensioners and disabled veterans.

According to Vic Toews, Canada's Public Safety Minister — how can you argue with the symbolic imagery of being the minister of everyone's safety — I'm either in favour of letting his government, through its many policing agencies, violate what we all used to think of as our constitutional right to privacy or I stand with the child pornographers, and presumably other miscreants, he's hoping to put behind bars.

At issue is a piece of legislation introduced Tuesday called the Lawful Access bill. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? What it does is currently unlawful, but as Joseph Goebbels so artfully pointed out, language is power and the only good lie is a big lie. The Lawful Access legislation will require ISPs to store — they already do — information on their customers' Internet activity and make it available to the government and police forces. Police, but presumably not government, will need a warrant to get the data but no warrant would be needed to obtain your IP address, email address, cellphone number and other information you thought was nobody's business but yours.

"If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about," says Mr. Safety.

When a Liberal MP challenged the bill as an invasion of privacy, the minister responded, "He can either stand with us or with the child pornographers."

Given the track record of the RCMP, CSIS, Canadian Border Services and other governmental agencies in respecting privacy and demonstrating common sense, I believe we all have something to worry about even if what we're doing isn't something most of us would consider immoral or illegal.

This whole with-us-or-against-us is beginning to remind me too uncomfortably of the social schism that existed in the U.S. when the Vietnam war was raging. "My country, right or wrong!" "Love it or leave it." We occupied a world with no middle ground, no shades of gray.

The major difference then was that the split was more social in nature. It consisted of the populace choosing sides: blind patriotism versus romantic idealism.

The gulf opening up in Canada is political, though. It's an artificial rupture being created and cynically manipulated by those in power. The Conservative government, without the backing of most Canadians, is systematically creating enemies where none exist, taking steps outside what we commonly think of as legitimate, legal powers of the state, steps designed to keep citizens docile and obedient. They're criminalizing dissent, spending billions to build a penal infrastructure to deal with imaginary crime — or, perhaps, house those who dare oppose them — militarizing a country formerly seen as peaceful, sidestepPING constitutional-guaranteed privacy and casting those who oppose their steps as radicals, criminals and deviants.

With the unshakable foundation of a majority government — in name only — the Conservatives are becoming the fascists we always suspected they were. Oh, is that over the top? Missing the jackboots, the tanks, the rabid nationalistic fervour? What do you think fascism will look like in the 21st century?

I suspect it will look like a government that passes legislation with no real debate. One that subjugates all personal interests to economic interests they've dressed up as national interests. One that vilifies those who disagree with it and casts them in the role of modern day Jews and undesirables. One prepared to tell any lie to smear its opponents, real or imaginary.

Sinclair Lewis famously said, about our neighbours to the south, "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross." It seems, in Canada, it will be wrapped in Loonies and carrying a sword of righteous indignation.

Ironically, recent attempts to throttle Internet privacy in the U.S. — in the guise of fighting piracy — were swiftly defeated by, of all things, popular protest. Notwithstanding the smugness with which Canadians often view life on this side of the border versus there, that strategy isn't likely to succeed here. The Cons are untouchable for the duration of their very long term. All House seats and one-third of Senate seats in the U.S. are up for grabs every two years. It tends to focus incumbents' attention.

So suck it up Canada. If you're not with Herr Harper, you're a traitorous, radical pornographer. Be afraid; be very, very afraid.

* * * * *

Just a quick callout. If you haven't purchased your tickets for "A Long Time Ago (In a Ski Resort Far Far Away)", the very talented Heather Paul's all-star pantomime running February 24-26 at Millennium Place, whatcha waitin' for? You either laugh with us on this one or you cry with the poor saps who waited too long and wished they hadn't. Capiche?