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Ask Ellie: Guy who won't support you isn't a bestie

What is it about this person that makes you consider him a friend?

Dear reader: As I noted in an earlier column, my daughter Lisi will be handling the writing duties a few times a week. Enjoy her take on today’s questions. - Ellie

My closest friend doesn’t support me. He’s newly married with a baby on the way, and works as a Family Doctor in his uncle’s practice. He’s always wanted this life, and he’s worked hard to get where he is. I’m proud of him.

I don’t love his wife, but we get along. She’s never liked any women I’ve brought over and she’s made it abundantly clear. One date even left the restaurant, never to be heard from again, after snide comments made by my BF’s wife. She wasn’t a keeper, so no love lost, but still.

I’ve dabbled in several different careers, not knowing where I wanted to land. I was an intense soccer player when younger and thought I might go all the way, but I tore my knee to shreds just before university and that ended that dream. I thought about law, but I wasn’t that academic.

I fell into real estate during the pandemic, and though people thought it was terrible timing, I’ve managed to do pretty well. Many people wanted to move out of the city to bigger properties since they were home more and needed the space.

And I’ve found a new girlfriend whom I like a lot. My buddy is not fond of her or my career. He’s constantly poking holes, finding the negative, and tearing her down (not to her face).

His sister just bought a new house, and when I asked her why she didn’t use my services (we’ve been friends for years), she said her brother wouldn’t allow it.

Why is my bestie out to kibosh my life?

Confused friend

You’re confused? I’m confused! Why is this guy one of your closest friends? He doesn’t support you, disallows others to support you, and seems intent on keeping you down. What is it about him that you consider a friend?

I’m going to guess it’s history – and I get that. But maybe it’s time to have a good look at what friendship means to you, and see if he fulfills any of the criteria. If he does, can you just keep him in that zone? As in, he’s your weekly tennis partner and that’s it.

You could try talking to him about it, but that may end the friendship completely or just annoy you. Basically, you have to be clear on why you’re still friends with someone who doesn’t give you a whole lot. And make peace with it.

My husband and I are in our mid-60s. We both work out and enjoy being active. We love long walks with the dog; he plays squash, and I do yoga. We’re fit and healthy.

Yesterday we were invited to an outdoor brunch, the first larger gathering (about 60) we’d been to in years.

My husband and I were both shocked at how many people were a) separated/divorced; and b) out of shape and overweight. I know we’ve all suffered through the same past two years of Covid, but what’s happened?

Happy and Healthy

Consider yourself lucky. You’ve obviously found someone like-minded with whom to spend your life. Yes, that’s the goal, but life happens. Remember your 20’s? Fun, finding and advancing in your career, and meeting your person. Remember your 30’s? Starting a family and making it through the daily chaos with babies, toddlers, and little kids.

The person you were then, and your partner, have both changed dramatically in the following 20 years. It happens to everyone. But not all unions last because not everyone changes together, or in appreciation of each other. Again, consider yourself lucky.

As far as staying fit and healthy, well, that’s a personal choice. I’m with you, but not everyone cares. Keep up the good work, keep yourself healthy, and happy and live your best life.

My husband is cheating on me. Everyone knows. But now he’s impregnated his latest lover and she wants to keep the baby. I heard from a mutual friend.

I told him I know, and he needs to leave. But there’s no jurisdiction for that where I live. He doesn’t HAVE to leave – and he doesn’t want to.

He says he’s done with her and wants nothing to do with the baby. I feel stuck and confused and drowning.

Stuck in the middle

First, you need to figure out if you want to stay married to this man or not. Second, you need to get legal help.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca