By G.D. Maxwell
Welcome to Spring Break!
If you live in Whistler, youre probably thinking, "Hey, didnt we have spring break during the entire month of February?" Yes. Yes we did. And you can be understandably forgiven for wondering why in the world winters following spring this year. But this column isnt for you.
This is the one I write every year to be nice to the tourists. The one I write to keep from getting those nasty letters Peter Vogler used to get whenever hed get frustrated and let slip our dirty little secret what a royal pain in the collective keester they can all get to be around this time of year. It was the second best thing I ever learned from him.
So Welcome! If youre from the Old Country Ontario youre just wrapping up your Spring Break and probably too bleary-eyed to even read this. Have a nice flight home. Thanks for coming. And remember to keep saying to yourself, "I had a great time in Whistler" when the credit card bills come in next month. We preciate it.
But if youre from B.C., hey baby, the partys just starting.
Now, everyone knows if youre between the ages of 18 and 30 and single what the ski industry likes to call the Redemption Generation and what Whistler condo owners whore hoping to sell you their condo when their knees give out like to call Suckers: The Next Generation youre only here for two reasons: sliding down the hill during the day and sliding into the sack sometime before the sun comes up. In other words, to get laid. And lets be frank; all the skiing and boarding, all the partying and merry-making is really just pretext for the real reason youre here: getting laid.
And for those of you who, shall we say, fall on the older side of that demographic and have opted to spend a Family Vacation in Whistler with the kids, try to remember this: you got yourself into this predicament because some time in the past you successfully got laid during Spring Break. So cut the yahoos some slack when they wake you up at 2 a.m. puking outside your condo on the way home from Moe Joes. Theyre just the losers going back to their rooms by themselves and lets be honest, they probably remind you of yourself not so long ago. As for you young hooligans disdainfully looking at these upstanding citizens with kids: dont say I didnt warn you. Its not like we havent figured out where they come from.
Alrighty. Having managed to mildly insult everyone except empty-nesters and geezers, Ill just smoothly segue into the Helpful Hints section of this column.
Now that weve established the real reason youre here is to get laid, the single most important thing you can do to up your odds of success is this: AVOID LOOKING LIKE A DORK!
Being an astute observer of human nature, especially human behaviour in ski resorts, I can help. Here are Maxs Top Ten Tips for Skirting Dorkdom in Whistler.
10: Just because Id sleep with you doesnt mean Id ski with you. Truer words were never spoken or written on a T-shirt. Under no circumstances should you ride with someone you want to score with. Or someone you have scored with. It can only lead to disappointment. He/she either skis better or worse than you do. Either way, this is a lose-lose situation. Avoid it.
9. Ski Etiquette: Part I. If you ski fewer than three weeks a season, you shouldnt own skis. If you do, theyre laughably outdated and can only lead to (1) bad skiing and (2) derision. Rent this years hot skis. Youll ski better and look better.
8. Ski Etiquette: Part II. Carry your skis the right way over your shoulder, tips forward, bindings behind you. Nothing nothing looks dorkier than some Gomer mincing in ski boots, carrying his or her skis like so many sacks of groceries. Practice hoisting them without smacking someone in the process.
7. Ski Etiquette: Part III. If youre strong enough to ski, youre strong enough to carry your own skis. Unless your partners using a ski pole as a crutch, let him/her carry their own skis. Lets show a little dignity out there people.
6. Walking in ski boots. Unlatch them first. Let your heel hit the ground and maintain forward momentum. Dont try to land flat-footed you dont walk that way, do you? and whatever you do, dont go sideways, or worse yet, backwards down stairs. Better to fall with style.
5. Buckles. If your boots dont have them, buy new boots. The only time the words rear-entry should be whispered is after youve scored which you probably wont if theyre whispered to describe your ski boots.
4. Goggle Gap. Goggles go over your eyes, not on your arm, not on your leg, not on the back of your head, not on top of your head where theyll fog up. There shouldnt be any gap between the top of your goggs and your toque or helmet. You should wear a toque or helmet if youre wearing goggles. Any deviation from these rules constitutes an immediate Gomer. Goggles are to skiers what ties are to suits only more functional. Drop into McCoo's and theyll be happy to explain why you ought to drop $150 or more for them.
3. Poles. Poles are the ultimate lose-an-eye implements of destruction. If youre schussing and have straight poles as opposed to those very cool racer dude poles with all the curves dont bother bending yourself into a racers crouch and sticking them straight out behind you. Think scared porcupine. Thats what you look like only dorkier. And when youre carrying them in the village, points down, please.
2. Wall o Idiots. As my friend Dan used to say, "Chairlifts are for talkin; slopes are for skiin." Get off the chairlift and ski away. The boarders need the space for falling down and strapping into their bindings anyway. Sliding off the chair and standing around in the wall o idiots formation is about as smart as stopping at the top of an escalator to decide whether you want to go to the Gap or Radio Shack. Duh.
1. The ultimate Spring Break conundrum is this: hangovers are both dorky and unavoidable. Heres a surefire hangover cure. Burn a piece of toast until the smoke detector goes off. The smell will get your adrenaline going. Warm half a cup of skim milk, half a cup of coffee together. Crumble the toast into the coffee/milk. Stir in a spoonful of baking soda. Toss in an Alka Seltzer for good measure. Two dashes of Tabasco to cut the tongue scum. This is the important part. Sit on the john when you drink this and have a trashcan at hand. Were talking two exits, no waiting. Trust me. Youll feel better immediately.