When the only tool you own is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. That?s a famous saying. It?s probably Chinese. Every famous saying seems to be Chinese. That?s because the Chinese have been around for so long and lived outside of the glare of Western eyes for so many centuries that no one is really sure ? not even the Chinese ? what exactly they really deserve credit for. Personally, I draw the line at pizza and spaghetti but I?ll gladly give them the nod for fireworks and, of course, moo shu pork. Chow mein was invented by Americans though, not that that has anything to do with the topic.
I believe a hammer was the first tool I ever got my hands on. It took a few days for my parents to realize what a horrible mistake they?d made leaving it around but by the time they took it away I can personally attest to the fact everything in the house looked like a nail to me.
Then there was my pliers period when everything, especially my sister?s fingers, looked like something to be plied.
Eventually though, I came to appreciate the subtle beauty of tools in their myriad forms and functions. That was some time after my father forbade me to ever touch a tool again. Which was right after I?d taken the lawn mower?s engine apart and wondered why there were so many pieces left after I?d put it back together.
So while part of me still likes to think there?s no such thing as a problem too big ? just a hammer too small ? I am a True Believer in having the right tool for the job. As a final aside, I?d like to note a screwdriver is definitely not the right tool if the job at hand is defrosting a freezer. Those coils are really, really soft metal. Use a blowtorch.
Over the years I?ve collected lots of tools. Some perform multiple tasks. Vise-grips, for example, will handily strip any size nut they?re torqued down on, as well as extract a perfectly good tooth if a drunk accidentally and mistakenly locks them onto the wrong one and pulls until he passes out, just one of the interesting stories you get to tell if you?ve worked the graveyard shift at a gas station on Route 66.
Other tools are highly specialized. I have a socket about the size of my fist that only fits the nut holding an air-cooled Volkswagen?s fan onto its shaft. It cost as much as hiring a mechanic and has only been used three times. If you want to buy it, call the Pique.
This is a roundabout way of saying I know something about tools. I?m still not very good at using them but I know something about them. Which is why I feel qualified to advise the Muni on tools it may want to consider tucking into its financial tool box. Right now the Muni?s financial tool box only has a couple of tools: property tax, the hammer of municipal financing; the Whistler Special 2% hotel tax; and those damnable parking tickets.
Ted Nebbeling, Minister of Something, is promising new financial tools in a remake of the Community Charter Council Act. Well executed, this should allow the Muni to ease the crushing property tax burden on some Whistler homeowners ? aging hippies who never expected to own really valuable property and are having problems paying their tax bills selling strings of beads, tie-dyed T-shirts and the odd nickel bag ? while still sticking it to people who honestly believe they NEED 5,000 square feet to be comfortable.
Ted tossed out the "fer instance" of slapping a buck or two on lift tickets when describing how Whistler might boost revenues. Good start but way too easy. I?d like to suggest there are two underlying principles our fearless leaders should bear in mind when coming up with new financial tools: (1) Gouge the tourists; and, (2) Play on our strengths.
I?d like to suggest the following ideas to prime the pump of Creative Taxation.
Ski Tote Tax
: There should be an immediate tax on anyone who doesn?t know how to carry their skis properly. You know the ones, look like they?re carrying two bags of groceries about to break through and spill all over the place. These people are not only dangerous, they look really dorky. A variation would also tax people who carry their girlfriend?s/boyfriend?s/children?s skis for them. Hey, if you?re big enough to ride ?em, you?re big enough to carry ?em.X-Scream Tax
: Whether it?s skis, cars, tools or alcohol, nothing?s sadder than watching someone in way over their head. Maxwell?s Law postulates one should always avoid using equipment that far outstrips one?s ability. I postulated this law around the same time Wild Willie loaned me those race skis that nearly killed me. So anyone caught using equipment they have no right to be on ? bikes included ? gets pulled over and taxed. For good measure, if they?re repeat offenders, we?ll confiscate their equipment and give it to someone who can actually use it the way it was meant to be used.Yapper Tax
: Small dogs shouldn?t visit Whistler. Period. It?s one thing for those few deviant locals who inexplicably own small dogs to not get with the program, but tourists should just leave small dogs at home or kennel them. They only cause trouble and their yipping and yapping just aggravates the big dogs. Tax ?em and tax ?em hard.Après Avoidance Tax
: This is pretty self-explanatory. Don?t even think of coming down off the mountain without stopping into one of our many high-quality saloons to rehydrate. It?s unhealthy both for you, the bar owners and the boys and girls who slave over draft beer spigots everywhere. How could you be so thoughtless? Tax ?em and make ?em buy a round for any indigent writers trying to hustle free drinks.Logowear Tax
: What?s with people who spend a lot of dough to come here and then are too cheap or stuffy to slap on some beautifully designed logowear? Or worse yet, brazenly flaunt something from Aspen or Banff or Hooters. Those people should be punished.Walk of Fame
: This isn?t a tax per se. Well, maybe a tax on the vain. At last count there were 1,376,031 separate interlocking bricks currently in use in Whistler Village. Taking a cue from other localities, we should be happy to carve names of people, pets and businesses on them for a reasonable fee. This has the added advantage of being voluntary though I?m sure we could strongarm people if not enough sign up for the honour.Okay, that?s six without breaking a sweat or using the words paid parking. Now let?s see what Hugh and the gang come up with.
