Once again, I've failed.
Nearly 20 years ago, I became Canadian. I'd been living in Canada more than 20 years at the time, and had immersed myself in the culture and history of my chosen home. To become a Canadian citizen, I had to eventually take and pass a test.
The material provided by the government consisted of a booklet containing, presumably, everything I need to know to pass the test and a description of what to expect. It was the latter that made me cringe.
It informed me I had to get what would, in an academic setting, be considered a passing grade, bell-curve style, but in large, bold, black lettering it warned there were a couple of questions that would wash me out if I answered them wrong, regardless of how many other right answers I got. Okay, how hard could they be?
But then it described the test: Multiple Choice?! Caramba!
I may be the only person I've ever met who both hated and did poorly on multiple choice exams. The problem was there were rarely multiple choice exams about things like math, where the answer was binary, either right or wrong. They were more used in touchy-feely topics like social science, history, things like that.
My difficulty is I rarely liked any of the answers. None seemed quite right. Some were obviously wrong, but all the others were shades of grey. I felt compelled to justify my choice and point out its shortcomings by writing notes in the margins of the tests. Teachers, and later instructors, hated that, the whole point of multiple choice exams being they were easy to grade.
But a multiple choice test with a hook—questions you had to answer right or flunk—amped up my discomfort level to new heights.
Everything got worse when the date for the test arrived. It was supposed to take up to six months to get a date. I timed my application to coincide with my autumn return to Whistler, a quick two-hour drive to Vancouver where the test would be administered. Instead, it only took two months and entailed a six-hour drive from the Cariboo.
After that grind, I entered the test room. It was filled with hopefuls from around the world. I knew the material, struggled with the various almost-right answers, sweated over the "Don't Miss" questions, and was done in about 10 minutes. Given we had an hour to do the test, my level of discomfort was high, and spiked when I finally gave up waiting and walked my test to the proctor.
"That was quick," he said. "Sure you don't want to check your answers?"
I knew better than to start second-guessing and declined. I passed. Became Canadian. Yippee.
But for as long as Pique has been publishing its Canada Day Quiz, I have never even come close to passing one. Diabolical. Nit-picky. Obscure. Maddening. I don't know why I even bother trying.
This year was no different. I got a couple of the political questions right, one of the sports questions—a milestone for me, but I did know Jarry Field—one food for thought, two arts. That's it.
But then, I never managed to pass Peter Vogler's Local's Test in the Whistler Question when he'd trot it out every year. And he at least used a lot of the same questions.
I wouldn't bother mentioning my abysmal performance, except I believe I'm not alone. I suspect there are a lot of you who, even assuming you got past the Canadiana questions, were somewhere on the uphill side of the bell curve, which is to say, not passing.
With all the crap going on in the world right now, with discord and discontent rampant everywhere in the country, with the Resort Municipality of Whistler picking our pockets in ever-more-frequent ways, our collective self-esteem is taking a kicking. Don't know about you, but I've had enough!
So I offer as an alternative the Max's Morale-Booster Quiz. Sure to make you feel like a winna. Ready? Here we go.
1. Whistler Mountain, formerly London Mountain, was named after:
a) The whistling marmot found on the mountain bearing its name.
b) Grizzly bears.
c) The opening bars of Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros’ song “Home.”
d) A CN poster touting Whistler's Peak in Jasper National Park.
2. Which mountain-base bar was founded by Dick Gibbons and boasts reserved tables for up to $3,800?
a) The Longhorn
b) GLC
c) Dusty's
d) Merlin's
3. Which grocery store most recently changed its name? Bonus point if you remember the old name.
a) Fresh Street
b) Nesters
c) Creekside Market
d) The Whistler Grocery Store
4. Which of Whistler's five valley lakes has the greenest water? Bonus point if you know why.
a) Green Lake
b) Nita Lake
c) Lost Lake
d) Alta Lake
5. Where in Whistler Village will you find “freshly” brewed beer?
a) The Brewhouse
b) Tapley's
c) Caramba
d) Stinky's on the Stroll
Okay, put your pencils down. That's it. You all passed.
Answers:
Question 1. (a) Yes, Whistler was renamed after the whistling marmot. But see below.
Question 2. (a) The Longhorn. Give yourself an extra point if you've booked one of the tables.
Question 3. (a) Fresh Street, which used to be IGA (extra point). Half point if you chose Nesters under the mistaken belief it's been renamed Save-On.
Question 4. (a) Green Lake. Bonus point if you knew it gets its green colour from the glacial till coming down Blackcomb Creek.
Question 5. (a) Which is not to say you can't get good beer everywhere in town, but fresh was the kicker.
I'm assuming everyone got 100 per cent, and you're all feeling better for acing it. But about that first question.
Shortly before the 2010 Olympics™, an older gent named Bud Ryckman told me a story about how Whistler got its name. Bud was a good friend of Franz Wilhelmsen, president of the mountain right up to the time of Franz' death.
He said he visited Franz in his office in the early 1960s. Franz had a large poster on his work table and told Bud to check it out. It was a CN Rail advertisement for Whistlers Peak in Jasper National Park.
“I said, ‘So what?’ And Franz told me he’d been talking to the CN people and he’d secured the right to rename London Mountain Whistler Mountain, since CN was going to advertise Whistlers Peak all over Europe and in North America. Franz thought he could get some free publicity,” Bud told me.
“I always used to ask Franz how come he never said anything when someone said Whistler was named after the marmots,” said Bud. “He’d just smile and hold his finger to his lips.”
Try as I might, I never found corroboration for that story. But who knows?
