To follow up from last week’s article "It’s not about you," I felt it important to address the other side of the coin. What if we're the one often accused of making everything about ourselves or taking things too personally?
If multiple people have pointed this out to you recently, it might be time for some self-reflection. Acknowledging and addressing our own behavioural patterns requires courage, but doing so can lead to empowerment and personal growth.
Recognizing the pattern
About 30 years ago, I came across a saying: "If you can take something personally, you will take it personally." At first, it puzzled me, but over time, I realized that I often interpreted things as personal slights. For those of us who have a tendency to take things personally, we find reasons to feel offended and then share these grievances with others, to seek validation. This behaviour is draining and unproductive and doesn’t serve us in our quest to be mentally balanced and happy.
Recognizing your victim mentality
Do you often think that people are trying to deliberately control you or upset you? Do you find yourself interpreting their behaviour or assuming you know their intention? “You did that just to piss me off” or “You are trying to control me by…”
Do you expect others to know what your needs are without telling them, and are you hurt when they don’t respond within your expectations? Being a victim is exhausting as this perspective often leads to resentment and feeling powerless. Not to mention that people start avoiding you.
Maybe your behaviour gets you attention? (Negative attention is still attention.) Do people in your life constantly have to explain themselves to you or make you feel better because of how you perceived something? Are you lonely or feel insignificant or unimportant? Are you acting in a defensive way due to the need for self-preservation, with the world view that life isn’t fair and the universe is out to get you? Do you suffer from low self-esteem and fear that you won’t be noticed, that you aren’t valid or you aren’t good enough?
The role of ego and self-perception
Our ego often clings to feelings of victimhood or loneliness, reinforcing beliefs that we're unworthy of love or attention. This can justify reactions of anger or aggression, holding others accountable for our perceptions. However, this behaviour can alienate others, further validating feelings of unworthiness and perpetuating a negative cycle. I often remind myself that my ego keeps me in the illusion of separation (as part of human survival). This is a check-in I do when I notice in others’ resistance.
Taking responsibility for our perceptions
It's essential to recognize that our thoughts and beliefs shape our perceptions. If we believe we're unworthy and always victimized, we'll interpret experiences through that lens, often noticing only the negatives. Conversely, by acknowledging and challenging these beliefs, we can shift our mindset toward empowerment. This involves becoming aware of our thought patterns and choosing to replace negative thoughts with positive, constructive ones.
Steps toward change
Self-awareness: Pay attention to our thoughts, take responsibility for our triggers, and pause before reacting. Notice when we’re interpreting situations personally, and be wiling to question the validity of those thoughts. “Know thyself” and particularly our attachment to negative beliefs or our addiction to suffering (which we all possess to some degree).
Mindfulness: Practice being present in the moment without judgment. This can help us respond to situations more thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. We are not our thoughts — just because we think something, does not make it true.
Self-compassion: Be kind to ourselves with understanding — all of this is part of learning and navigating the human experience. We all have flaws and sometimes make mistakes but as we learn we grow, thereby feeling more confident.
Seek support: Therapy and mindfulness counselling is helpful to explore our confusion and offer clarity, guidance, strategies and helpful tools to foster healthier thought processes and relationships.
Spiritual connection: Engaging in spiritual practices, in whatever form resonates with us, can offer a sense of understanding, presence and peace — aiding also in personal growth.
Recognizing and addressing the tendency to take things personally is a significant step toward personal development.
By cultivating self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and seeking support, we can break free from unhelpful patterns and build more fulfilling relationships.
Remember, change is a journey, and every step taken is progress toward a more balanced and empowered self.
Claire Nielsen is a health coach, author, public speaker and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca. The information provided in the above article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional health and medical advice. Please consult a doctor, health-care provider or mental health practitioner if you're seeking medical advice, diagnoses and/or treatment.
