ARIES (March 21-April 19): What's the opposite of a freak out? Let's call it a freak in. I suspect you're about to enter into this state. That means you will have at your disposal all the intensity of a hysterical fit, but you'll be able to express it artfully as you accomplish acts of amazing grace. Time may even seem to expand for you as you slip into a wildly relaxed perspective that unleashes exuberant insights with practical applications.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): People close to you have been transforming. Be alert for the possibility that they are not who they used to be. Your ability to shape reality creatively in the coming weeks depends on you being able to recognize that some of the old truths about them have been replaced with new ones. Now study this passage from T. S. Eliot's The Cocktail Party: "We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Whether or not you consider yourself a storyteller, it's time to do the best you can at practicing that art. I say this for two reasons. First, the people you encounter will have a special need to hear about your adventures in redemption, the riddles that have fueled your quest, and the mysteries that have pushed you to the edge of your understanding. Second, as you talk about those adventures, riddles, and mysteries, you will give yourself the exact boost you need to open fully to the next great story of your life.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Never play cards with a man called Doc," said Nelson Algren in his book A Walk on the Wild Side . "Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own." Whether or not you generally heed cautionary advice like that, I suggest that you adopt a more freewheeling approach in the coming weeks. In fact, given the frontier-prowling, rules-breaking, fun-erupting nature of your current astrological indicators, you may benefit from experimenting with a host of exploits that at any other time might seem iffy or dicey or itchy.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Many people who understand the workings of the subconscious mind use their knowledge to manipulate us. Their insights into the nature of the deep psyche give them an advantage as they try to sell us their products, ideas, and personalities. Personally, I try to do the opposite, harnessing my understanding of your subconscious mind so as to help you tap into your unique genius, free you from your suffering, and awaken you to the transformative power that comes from expressing your love with smart generosity. It's prime time for me to inspire your efforts in these tasks. It also happens to be a perfect moment for you to upgrade your relationship with your own subconscious mind.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Read this joke, told by Jeff Thredgold in his book On the One Hand: The Economist's Joke Book. "An economist returns to visit her old school. She's interested in the current exam questions and asks her old professor to show her some. To her surprise, they are exactly the same questions that she answered 10 years ago. When she asks the professor about this, he says: 'The questions are always the same. Only the answers change!'" The professor's reply should be your guiding meditation in the coming week, Virgo. Your most enduring uncertainties are inviting you to seek new solutions. Questions that have tormented and tantalized you for a long time will respond revealingly to your fresh probes.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Will the coming week feature encounters with drunken judges, passive-aggressive spies, semi-repressed cat people, and codependent enablers? Perhaps. I'm not sure. But I can state more authoritatively that you will have to deal with at least some of those characters in your dreams. And that means there may be aspects of your own psyche that resemble a drunken judge, passive-aggressive spy, semi-repressed cat person, and codependent enabler. If you find that's the case, I suggest you open up a dialogue with them. See if you can get them to pitch in and lend a hand to your long-term goals instead of undermining you the way they are now.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Actor Cary Grant said he didn't necessarily advocate making love constantly. "Who can do it all the time?" he asked. "Though I do try." Your assignment in the coming weeks, Scorpio, as revealed by the astrological omens, is to attempt what Grant aspired to: Do the wild thing as much as possible. Get busy before breakfast on the kitchen table and on your mid-morning break in the closet. Duck out of work early so you can get your freak on. Get a hundred more strokes and licks and kisses in before bedtime. Et cetera. And if you don't have a lover to help you out in this noble cause, then boink the wind, screw the sky, hump your dreams, make love to the universe.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Although dolphins are among the smartest animals of the sea, they get pretty stupid when they're on dry ground. This is according to a report by the world's finest news source, The Onion. Researchers found that when bottlenose dolphins were transferred from their water-filled tanks to lab tables, they flunked 11 different tests designed to assess their cognitive skills and reasoning abilities. Let that be a lesson to you, Sagittarius, as you navigate your way through the challenges of the coming week. As much as possible, make sure you're on your home turf or in your natural habitat when you're working to solve knotty dilemmas.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "Often the truth needs to be packed in great illusion," writes medical intuitive Caroline Myss, "to protect it from the carrier of that truth." Your job in the coming week is to chip off some of the illusion that's hiding a precious truth you're shielding yourself from. You're getting closer to being able to handle the whole truth, but you're not completely ready yet. That's why I suggest you preserve a bit of the protective illusion as a buffer. The dramatic revelation will best occur in stages.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A century ago, human life expectancy was 47, the speed limit on most roads was 10 mph, and the average wage was 22 cents an hour. Only one out of six homes had a bathtub, while one out of ten had a phone. Women washed their hair once a month and often using egg yolks for shampoo. Coca Cola contained cocaine. I predict that between now and 2028, life on earth will change as dramatically as it did in the last 100 years, and no other sign of the zodiac will be better positioned than you Aquarians to thrive on the transformations. What can you do to fully capitalize on your natural advantage? Create a 10-year master plan and a 20-year master plan, envisioning what you'd like to be doing in 2018 and 2028. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to write out these documents.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the coming week, you should try to experience, or at least visualize, scenes like the following: an apple pierced by an arrow that's lying on a bridge near a half-crumpled Valentine card; wind rattling through an old tree in such a way that you hallucinate there being an angel perched in its branches; an accordion floating down a stream trailed by two quacking ducks; a stranger who's simultaneously crying and laughing in a cafe while writing frenetically on white paper napkins. And why is it important to commune with scenes like these? Because they will energize your soul in ways you can't rationally understand. They will remind you that deeply meaningful events can be utterly mysterious.
[Editor: Here's this week's homework:]
Homework: Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to make nonsense noises for at least two minutes straight every day this week.